This Is Not Your Normal High School
by KatrinaEagle
Summary: Envy likes to think he's always right, Edward is confused, Roy has issues with keeping his hands to himself and Ling just eats. And what is this cat doing here? EnvyxEdxRoy, LingxEd, AlxWrath
1. Thou Shalt Not Swear

**A/N:** A multichap fic. I wonder if I'll update regularly. I'm a very good procrastinator. :nervous laugh: This chapter is for **Burakku's Shadow** for getting me started on it. Please enjoy! And feel free to flame me or tell me my writing sucks, but just be good about it and tell me _how_ exactly do I suck and I'll try to work on it. **A/N end**

_-_0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

_The morning sun filtered over the autumn leaves, while the fresh breeze sighed past chirping birds looking for breakfast._

_Everywhere else, people were getting out of bed, with a warm cup of coffee between their hands, wishing each other a good morning, smiling and telling themselves that this will be a good day-_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!!" The green-haired teenager yelled, throwing his alarm clock into the wall. The alarm clock smashed into pieces and lay quietly in the disturbed cobwebs, not saying anything, which irritated the teen even more. Muttering curses under his breath, he slid out of bed and tumbled into the bathroom, splashing cold water over his face in an effort to wake himself a bit more.

"Stupid school waking us up at this ungodly hour..." He snarled at his own reflection, violet eyes staring angrily at the mirror, which could do nothing but stare back.

He turned and stomped over to his closet, pulling down random articles of clothing, mostly black, though there were some hints of dark forest green and silky violet.

Snatching up his usual 'school attire', which consisted of a cropped top and skort, he changed hurriedly and snatched up his bag, turning off the lights as he went out.

He crossed the landing and pounded on a peach-colored door.

"WRATH!! Get your lazy arse off that bed and WAKE UP ALREADY!!"

Wrath replied with a growl and a ruder version of "I was already up by your yelling!"

Envy moved away from the door and fixed a look of horror and disbelief onto his brother's door.

The door slammed open, and fast as lightning, Envy's hand was slammed down onto Wrath's head. The younger boy yelped, and turned big, round eyes onto his older brother, wondering for a moment if he'll kill him.

"Where did you learn so many words?" Envy questioned, raising one eyebrow.

"Um... I'm guessing you mean the morning swearing? I saw it on the net." Wrath replied, a little embarrassed.

Envy blinked and grin. "That's it, kid. Keep those up and you'll survive pretty well. Now, what do you do if a girl irritates you?"

Wrath grinned. "Tell her she looks like something the cat dragged in and then spit on her."

"Ah... Good. You're ready, kid." Envy smiled as the pair made their way downstairs.

-----

Roy Mustang, at that moment, was in his convertible, a dark blue Mercedes that was purring softly as he drew his car to a stop in front of a large white house. A blonde emerged from the house, throwing her head back and said a 'goodbye' to her dad, before locking the door and making her way to the car.

Roy grinned a 'good morning' to her, and checked his hair. He wasn't called a ladies' man for nothing, with a inky dark hair that contrasted with his white features, dark eyes that 'you can just lose yourself in' and his lips, always curled up into that smirk for the ladies.

Riza handed him his cup of coffee and told him to hurry up, or else they'd be late.

-----

They made it in time, with girls gasping and giggling when they saw Roy, clearly taken by him charing smiles and corny lines.

He strutted through the hallway, with people on all sides parting to give him way. He smiled at each of them and sometimes even waved. Roy relished in the popularity. He was happy with his life as it is now- girls, power, mini-skirts. Although he wouldn't mind having someone out of his sight, he thought as he growled and narrowed his eyes at the skinny green-haired teen walking down the hall towards him, talking to a younger version of Envy, complete with forest green hair in a tangle. Roy cringed inwardly. He needs conditioner.

But really, he thought, eyeing the two up and down, he could swear the family were from a different planet. What with the weird names and cross-dressing fetishes, crazy hair color -they said it was _natural_- and inhuman fighting strength and speed, they have to be from otherworldly origins, possibly from outer space or North Korea.

Violet eyes clashed with ebony black ones, and Envy narrowed his eyes. He muttered something into the younger teen's ear and pointed at Roy. The young teen looked at Roy, surprised, and stuck out his tongue. Roy couldn't help the look of disgust that flitted across his face. But, no. No, he has to keep his face in a smirk, for all the ladies. He gave the two teens one last glance-over, and turned down the hall.

-----

"Now that," Envy said to Warth, "Is the biggest bastard you will ever meet." Wrath blinked and zoomed in on a tall senior with a gaggle of whores stringing off his arm. "That's the Flaming Pony?"

Envy smirked and ruffled his brother's hair even more.

Wrath took that as a yes.

-----

"AL!! Where's my shirt?" screamed a very hysterical blonde teen, clothed in a pair of leather pants and his long hair tied in a braid.

"Here, brother." Alphonse threw the shirt at his older brother, sighing inwardly at his childish behavior. Did he really need to _scream_? And when he was just in the next room, in this dinky cramped apartment?

Edward grabbed his bag and snatched up a piece of toast, munching on it as he did his boots. Alphonse has no idea why Edward put up with those killer boots, it took at least 5 minutes to get all the complex strings tied up. Edward said it was handy for kicking people, but Alphonse suspected that he wore it only to look taller.

"C'mon, Al! We're going to be late."

Alphonse gave a sort of dry chuckle.

"Usually I'm the one screaming at you to wake up, brother."

Edward scowled.

"Only because today is the first day of school and I don't want to get side-tracked. _That_ has happened enough."

"Side-tracked? Brother, we're always late on the first day of school because new kids will call you short and you just have to resort to violence _every time_."

Edward gave Alphonse a blank stare.

"And so I'm up early today. I expected a nicer acknowledgement from you."

Alphonse sighed and locked the door behind him.

"Okay, brother. Let's go." He grinned at the older boy.

-----

Only ten minutes into campus and three people have told Edward that the preschool is across the road. Alphonse had to drag the ranting and furious teen into the building, murmuring into his brother's ear that he was making a fool of himself. Not to mention _the humiliation_.

Knocking on the door of the school office, Alphonse gripped Edward and stared hard at him, promising that if he didn't stop right now, Al will torture him-in many ways.

Edward cringed. Al was a very nice person. That is, until one has been through the Torture. Not physical torture, no. Al wouldn't hurt a fly. But he will put milk in your coffee, refuse to clean up your room, and purposefully stash your class notes somewhere else before the day of the test. "Yes, Al." he said, meekly.

-----

He was late!! Late!! And why was he late when he actually took the pains to wake up in time for this whole 'first day in school' thing? Well, ask the secretary, who had their timetables and school map with her. I mean, it isn't polite to ask her to stop eating the headmaster's face -who was balding, by the way- just to give two new students their timetables and smile fake smiles at them, asking if they had any questions and expecting the usual shake of the head as an answer.

No, by the time he got his timetable and worked out the map -which was extremely complicated and had coffee stains on it- the bell had rung. Then he noticed his class was at the top floor of another building, pretty much all the way across the whole area of the school.

Which explained why he was running and grunting profanities under his breath, skidding around corners and scaring teachers.

It doesn't help that he knew Al's class was just across the hall from the principle's office, and the secretary had offered to bring him there, because he was younger. _And because he smiled at you and called you a miss, you old hag._ Edward seethed. Now Al won't get into trouble and all will be happy for him, while his older brother was left to sprint across the school to get to his lousy class.

Karma is a bitch.

Skidding into a halt in front of an old classroom, he wondered briefly if this wasn't some kind of sick joke some idiot played on him. Central High had been full of promises, newest technology, smart teachers, nice students and a 'healthy, exceptional studying environment for the academic advancement of our students'. Instead, Edward had been thrown in with rude students, a scathing secretary, an unhelpful teacher and now, a worn down, paint-peeling battered classroom which, judging by the ruckus, was nothing like a 'healthy, exceptional studying environment'. This kind of environment weren't even for studying of any kind.

Poking his head cautiously into the classroom, he coughed quietly into his hand to get the attention of his teacher. Unfortunately, his teacher's attention was secured by a group of young boys throwing their text books around. Golden eyes flashed helplessly, not knowing how to act in these kind of situations. Of course, one should yell out, as politely as one could when yelling, for the teacher. But poor Edward had grew up in a small, enclosed world where children -but he's not a kid!- are supposed to be seen, not heard, and yelling at an adult is like digging one's own grave.

It wasn't until one kid sitting in the front row noticed Edward that the teacher was made known of his presence.

Mr. Tucker hurriedly straightened his glasses and flashed Edward a tired smile. He shuffled -_shuffled_, not walked- to Edward, and frowned at his class, as if asking them to 'be quiet while I see what this kid wants'.

Edward had hoped against hope that his teacher won't mistaken him for a kid-again, for the 14th time in two hours- and then he won't have a valid reason to blow up in the teacher's face. But Edward knew a lost cause when he saw one. The slightly insane look in his eyes, those chapped lips forming that never-to-be-uttered-again damned sentence.

"Hey, kid. You lost?"

-----

Envy looked at the new kid, a little displeased. That shrimp sure had quite the lung capacity. In fact, he was so loud, Envy was getting a throbbing headache. And when Envy got a headache, he was murderous.

-----

Roy Mustang was happily ignoring Mr. Tucker and have girls swooning over him when he suddenly heard a very loud and rude shout. He looked in shock as a short blonde -_who had the tightest ass I've ever seen_- started hurling insults at Mr. Tucker and the Asian kid in the front row for mistaking him as a kid.

Man, he's pretty.

And that leather pants make his ass look so damned rapable.

Bad thought, bad thought.

It wasn't that he'd done it with boys too, but the fact that this boy looked like those kind of people who hung on to relationships, if he were ever to get into one.

Roy grimaced.

That's too bad then. But maybe he should go for him, an ass like that doesn't just walk into your class accompanied by a pretty face and loud screaming everyday. It'll teach him that relationships are never 'forever'. Once he's got his heart broken, he'll get over that fairy tale.

But first, he's got to do something about the screaming.

That and Envy is nearing breaking point.

-----

Things happened all at once. Edward stopped screaming, Envy jumped up and yelled at him to 'shut his pie-hole' and Roy very suavely walked downed and pulled Edward into an empty seat beside him, glaring at Envy who flipped him the bird.

The class resumed its chaos and Mr. Tucker threw his hands up in defeat and slumped onto the teacher's desk.

Edward was mobbed by curvy blondes and flirty brunettes all bent on running their hands through his hair and messing up his braid and flinging comments like 'He's so cute!' 'Aww, his hair is so soft!' and some not so innocent high-pitched whispers like 'His ass is so gorgeous!' 'Hot bod!'. Seriously, did they think he wouldn't hear?

Roy was lounging in his hair, taking in the scene in front of him with barely concealed laughter. Edward was looking like a cornered rabbit, the expression on his face screaming 'OH GROSS THEY'RE TOUCHING MY HAIR!!'. He let out a small chuckle. Edward gave him a scandalized look and silently promised that he will kill him at break. This made him chuckle again.

"Don't even think about it, shorty."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Yay! I finished it! The line about karma being a bitch? I don't hate karma, but it seemed fitting. :D Please review, people! It's not so hard to click that green button, is it? Get into the Christmas spirit and give me some happiness! Merry Christmas!

_Next chapter: Lunch break, Ling, and Wrath. Throw a ranting shrimp and a homicidal palm tree into the mix and you'll get complete chaos._


	2. Thou Shalt Not Rip Thy Clothes Off

**A/N:** Sooo sorry for the very late chapter, guys! So I wrote it long. :D I got braces, and you can't believe how much it hurts. T-T Tell me, does anyone want some LingxEd action? Or RusselxEd? Alphonse will have his fair share of boys, but I'm focusing on the Shorty here. XDD **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Edward had sprinted away from Roy the minute the bell rung. He did not like being improperly manhandled, and even though he came from a small, quiet town he knew enough to react violently at Roy's words.

Violently being an uncontrolled punch into that bastard's face.

That bastard had just smirked -again- and winked at Edward. He shuddered. It was wrong, wrong!! He felt sick in the stomach and had tried to ignore Roy for the past ten minutes. I was rather hard with a sexaholic breathing down his neck and two girls who can't keep their hands to themselves.

Now, to find room 301. Where the hell was _that_?

After asking some helpful -and some unhelpful- students for directions, he reached his Physics class just as the bell rang.

He glanced quickly at the students, ignoring the black-haired bastard and lingering on the green hair male. He distantly remember him in homeroom... Oh, he was the one who yelled at him to shut up. Right. He quickly looked away when Envy gave him a glare. He finally decided to sit next to the Asian kid who had noticed him first.

"Hey, new kid. I'm Ling."

"Hi, I'm Ed."

They shook hands and talked briefly before the teacher came in.

Physics was dull and boring, Edward having learnt all this two years ago. Apparently Ling was bored too, and was seen stifling yawns. When he noticed Ed looking, he grinned. They decided to ignore the teacher and talk. Hell, he needed a friend.

"So you skipped a grade?"

"Yeah."

"And you still think that this" he indicated the teacher and the whiteboard full of complex-looking equations- "is too easy for you?"

Edward frowned a little. "Well, yeah. Really, I expected you guys to have more advanced stuff."

Ling shrugged. "Too bad for you."

The teacher glared at them and they shut up instantly.

-----

Envy scowled at the annoying blonde. It was his fault for making his day horrible. The headache hadn't gone away completely and left a dull ache in its place. And now he made the teacher angry and now _he_ was yelling. Envy clasped his head in his hands and groan. Normally he wouldn't give a flying fuck what was happening around this god-forsaken school, but today really had him riled up. _Thanks to the stupid shrimp who gave me this bloomin' headache,_ Envy reminded himself. He slumped down onto the desk and buried his head in the crook of his arm, hoping that some sleep would clear the throbbing away.

Unfortunately for him, the teacher was more than royally pissed that day, and the sight of a disobedient rebel teenager was too much. Slamming both palms onto Envy's desk and jerking him awake instantly, the teacher continued to tell him off. Envy couldn't believe it. _He_ was being told off by this idiot?!

"You have the worst ever behavior. What does your parents teach you-"

Envy snapped.

He stood up roughly, kicking his chair away. He stalked to the door and sent Ed a withering look. All he got in return was a look of pure confusion. He kicked open the door and left just like that.

The teacher stood rooted to the spot, shaking slightly. Everybody looked curiously at him, wondering what he was going to do.

They all gasped in shock as he flung himself onto Envy's desk and sob passionately, occasionally yelling 'Nobody respects me!' and 'I'm useless as a teacher!'. Dumbfounded, the teenagers stared at him and exchanged looks.

"Erm... Mr. Brosh? Are you okay, mate?" ventured one boy, looking very worried. Apparently he was pretty popular with the students, being quite young and fun.

Brosh just waved an arm and stated dramatically that 'life is not worth living'.

Murmurs were heard and most of them were about 'Brosh is spending too much time with Armstrong'. Ed noticed that Ling visibly paled when the name Armstrong was mentioned.

"Ling? What's wrong?"

Ling gave him a weak smile. "You'll know when you have PE."

The way he said it unnerved him. And also gave him a sense of dread, seeing as PE was the next class.

-----

Ed changed quickly, feeling Roy's eyes on his back. Giving him a dirty look, he stomped off to join Ling, who had his gym shirt underneath his baggy T-shirt. Smart guy.

Ed found him slunking into the corner, trying to hide and muttering to himself.

"Please be away please be away please be away..."

Ed was concerned for him. Whatever could have frightened him so much? Even Envy's Glare Of Doom, which Ed still hadn't figured out, didn't faze him. He just quirked a brow and smiled his secretive smile.

He didn't take long to find out.

Armstrong crashed through the gym doors, in all his muscle-clad glory, pink sparkles flying off him in waves. His mustache bounced up and down with every syllable he spoke, and most of the students have frozen, eyes fixed onto the man.

"WELCOME MY DEAR WONDERFUL STUDENTS, WELCOME BACK TO THE START OF A VERY WONDERFUL SCHOOL YEAR AND I, ALEX LOUIS ARMSTRONG, WITH ALL MY TEACHING TALENT, PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS, SHALL MAKE ALL OF YOU WONDERFUL STUDENTS INTO HEALTHY KIDS READY TO MAKE THEIR FIRST BIG STEP INTO THE SOCIETY!!"

By the time Armstrong had finished his speech, he had ripped off his shirt and was flexing his muscles with a passion. Most of the students had groaned and looked at the floor or ceiling, and some hid their face in their hands. Ed's jaw hung loose, and Ling was shaking like a leaf. Unlike Ed, he's heard this million of times and-

"AH! THERE YOU ARE, MY BEST STUDENT, LING YAO!! AND WHO IS THIS? IS HE A NEW STUDENT?"

All Edward could do was give a small nod of his head.

"MY WONDERFUL STUDENTS, HOW GLAD I AM TO HAVE A NEW PUPIL UNDER MY CARE, TO NURTURE AND TO EDUCATE!!"

And with that, Armstrong swept both Ling and Ed into a bone crushing hug, ignoring all protests from both males.

"Armstrong sir!" Ling gasped, "Can't... breathe!!"

Armstrong gently put them down and struck a pose.

"OF COURSE, I HAVE MY STRENGTH PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINES FOR GENERATIONS, AND IT IS WITH GREAT REGRET THAT PEOPLE WITHOUT MY ARMSTRONG BLOOD LACK PLENTY, AND AREN'T ABLE TO LIVE THEIR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!!"

Ed wobbled a bit on his legs and let out a wan smile.

Ling gave Ed a weak grin.

"It's not over yet, Ed. We still have 30 minutes of gym left."

-----

Half an hour and five more ripped shirts later, Edward and Ling stumbled gasping for air towards the cafeteria doors.

They hurriedly straightened their clothes, not wanting to be caught in another of Central High's student body gossip which seems to favor two boys stumbling out of a closet, flushed and messy haired. Ironically, Central High also houses the highest population of homophobic teens.

Grabbing their plates of 'cafeteria food', they slowly fought their way to Ling's 'table', which consisted of mostly the oddest assortment of characters one has ever seen.

Ran Fan, Ling's childhood friend and soon-to-be wife (though no one dared say it out loud, they all knew it was true), a silent girl who wouldn't think twice of ambushing someone for the sole reason of Ling's word. Anne, a fiery girl who thought of Ran Fan as her half-sister and wouldn't think twice of stabbing someone's eyeballs out with a pair of very delicate and very expensive looking ivory chopsticks. Russel, an arrogant blonde who still wore ridiculous looking suspenders. Green suspenders.

Ling cheerfully greeted them and ushered Ed to sit next to Anne, who eyed his cowlick suspiciously and then turned back to stare at her food in distaste. Ed shuffled away from her discreetly. Ran Fan started talking to Ling quickly in a language that Ed could only describe as 'alien and they made lots of noises that sounded like penguins'. Not that penguins talk, of course.

Ling very quickly finished what seems to be remains of last semester's remains of last Christmas' remains of spaghetti and chicken pie, and looked around. Everyone at the table pushed their own plate of... stuff... towards him.

Then the door slammed open.

Envy stalked into the cafeteria, strutting and stuck his nose into the air as though he was too good for everybody. Actually, he was just trying to get the horrid smell of the cafeteria floor out of nose. Did they ever _wash_ them? He scruched up his face as he heard the murmuring get louder. In fact, he very distinctly heard the words 'faggot' and 'homo'.

Envy bristled and swiveled around, slamming his foot into a junior's head with a resounding crack. The entire cafeteria fell silent, watching Envy's every move.

Looking at the mess on everybody's plate, Envy decided to skip lunch and headed out.

And promptly crashed into a very surprised, and soon smug looking Roy Mustang.

Envy growled and wished that he'd just _god damn stayed in bed._ He _knew_ it was going to be a bad day the minute that stupid alarm clock had pulled him away from Lala-land.

Not even bothering to look up (who else but the Flaming Pony will wear shiny, newly polished leather shoes to high school?), Envy hooked his leg around a black, sock-clad ankle and pulled.

The cafeteria erupted into a chorus of yells, whoops and screaming. Those who hated Roy with a passion (boys who had their girlfriends stolen) jumped and pumped their fists into the air.

Those who saw Roy as a model to follow (boys who wanted to see their 'potential girlfriends' in miniskirts) cried out in surprise and hurried scrambled to their feet, though none of them helped him up. That was an insult by itself.

The smart ones got up and left, taking their books and leaving.

The smart-ones-but-still-wants-to-watch got up and retreated to a corner of the cafeteria.

The ones who just wanted to watch and didn't think of the consequences stayed where they were and gaped.

All those at the Ling's table, however, disappeared, crammed underneath the table. Edward could count the number of chewing gum wads stuck underneath and fervently hoped that nothing would stick to his hair. His legs were scrunched up against Anne's back, whose head was uncomfortably suspended somewhere between Russel's chest and Ran Fan's thigh, who had her face facing Edward and squishing her back to Ling, who had _his_ face poking above the bench to see whatever was going on.

Anne muttered a few strings of curses and remarked, more to herself, that 'Thank goodness Scar isn't around'. Russel grunted an affirmative while Edward wondered who in the name of Merlin was Scar.

The thought that all the people he met here, at his one day in Central, had weirder names than the whole population in Risembool, passed briefly through Edward's mind. That does not include Winry and Pinako. Edward actually knew that the two women were she-devils from the distant planet of... somewhere in the universe, and wielded dangerous-looking weapons, disguised as normal wrenches.

Not to mention they could short-circuit Edward's automail without so much as _touching_ it.

Ling was jinggling up and down in excitement. The other three gave Ling mixed responses of swearing, groaning and even high-pitched moan from Russel. All eyes turned to him.

Russel flushed and gestured at his... lower region, which had Ed's automail leg stuck in the middle...

_Oh god._

While the girls tittered, the two blondes were left blushing furiously and Ling turned back to the fight. And making nice commentary over it.

"...Roy's down, and it seems like Envy's got a fistful of his hair... Oh yes! A punch straight to the face... That's gonna bruise. Envy got kicked by Roy..."

The class bell had rung, but no one dared move. When you had two extremely talented fighters who hated each other's guts in a single room, people tended to try not to do anything funny.

Not even remotely humorous.

----

Envy snarled and tugged at Roy's hair.

"Get off me, you man whore!!"

Roy was stuffing his foot into Envy's face.

"Let go of my hair then, you faggot!"

Envy wanted to say 'Your mane, you mean.' but couldn't, seeing as his face was full of shoes.

He struggled wildly, his foot connecting with the leg of a table painfully, but the table shook just enough to shift it's contents...

Right onto Roy's face.

Roy gave a yell of surprise, before being kicked to the floor by the homicidal teen.

Envy looked at Roy and nearly laughed his head off.

Roy just stared up blankly at Envy, his usual neatly jelled hair now smeared with pie, with fungus-attacked spaghetti sauce running down Roy's cheek.

The cafeteria doors slammed open, and the two teens whipped around, expecting to be yelled at by teachers.

Instead, they were greeted by miniature versions of Envy and Edward, faces flushed and breathing heavily.

"Yo, Envy I--" Wrath stopped mid-sentence, taking in the whole scene. His brother, whom he had practically idolized, _sitting on the Flaming Pony's lap_, with the slightest hint of a smile on his face.

It was no wonder that Wrath ran away screaming from the cafeteria.

Alphonse squeaked and leant onto the cafeteria doors for support, hands over his eyes.

Edward cracked his head painfully on the underside of the table in his haste get up.

Ling had already wormed his way out of the confines of the cafeteria table.

The others all stood up at the same time, flipped the table over, and spent the next three minutes untangling limbs.

Roy and Envy just stared. At themselves, at the flipped table, at Alphonse who was whimpering slightly and _still_ had his hands clapped firmly over his eyes.

Envy's brain registered an ambulance getting closer, until he recognized the wailing as Wrath. Obviously he didn't want his new friend to endure the horror of seeing his brother straddling his arch enemy's lap--

Sweet Merlin.

Wrath snatched Alphonse's wrist and jerked him away from the offending scene, giving Envy a teary glare, and ran away.

Envy jumped off Roy hastily, banged into Ed who was running towards his brother, resulting in Edward slipping onto the floor, Envy sitting on his stomach, and Roy sprawled over Envy's legs.

The three boys hurriedly scrambled up, though Edward swore that Roy had touched him unnecessarily, and each departed to their respective classes.

But first, Edward had to do something about his blush. And hair.

Edward shuffled to the closest bathroom he could find and pushed open the door. And saw, with some surprise, Roy and Envy, glaring at each other.

"Well. This is awkward."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

You'll notice there's more... ahem... sexual innuendo........I really need to stop reading all those lemons...

That aside, happy 2009, everybody! :D


	3. Thou Hast Slept Over With Thy Friend

**A/N:** OMG short chapter!! And it's late, too. I am SOOO sorry, guys!! But don't worry, I have the next chapter pretty much written out. This chapter may be a bit awkward because I kind of rushed it and I was having a kind-of writer's block. HOW can I make Edward like Envy without having him seem like a love-sick high school girl? That aside, flame me all you want. :D **A/N end**

Alphonse was hysterical. Wrath had tried everything from soothing him to shaking him to telling him it was all a figment of his (very perverted) imagination, but was still unable to calm him. Still, it was kind of funny seeing him shake like a leaf... and staring straight ahead with wide eyes...

_Guess I'm more like Envy than I thought..._

"Hey, Alphonse? Al?" Wrath waved his hand in front of Al's face in hope of some sign of recognition.

Alphonse just continued to stare at the wall. It was pretty unnerving.

Wrath rolled his eyes and dragged his hair out of his face. Trust Envy to buy the lousy kind of dye for him... It looks more like barf-green than any other kind of green.

One day he's going to dye it blue. Or purple. Maybe silver will look better?

He turned a sharp right and hauled Alphonse along, who seems to have lost his spirit. It was P.E. class next... Maybe Armstrong can help?

...No, that would just scar him even more.

Finally Wrath resigned to just dragging Alphonse around school. Though he hoped that Al will still know when he needs to relieve himself. And _do_ it himself.

-----

Alphonse felt very odd. Like he was in dream from which he couldn't wake up. He could smell a weird orangey kind of smell. Reminds him of someone he can't recall for the life of him.

_What happened?_

His hands and legs won't listen to him... He's staring straight ahead... Brother? Yes, it's brother! Wait... No, it's not brother... And his hair isn't so long...

_Who the hell is he??_

Alphonse scrunched up his face. The orangey smell again. He could see a faceless person, and he knew it was a friend, the person who had that nice orangey smell...

_He's not looking at me... It's definitely not brother..._

There was a shadow moving behind the faceless person... They looked very much alike, though Al knew he was comparing a shadow to a faceless person, he trusted his subconscious to decide.

_...Is that hair color natural?_

If only he remembered the name or the face, then he'll remember the shadow...

_He's got purple eyes..._

The smell was stronger now, the sweet orange scent. Oddly mingled with a musky scent... There was a buzzing in Al's ears and he felt hot.

_Why is he so close?_

He could feel hands trailing down his body. Temporarily disoriented, he tried to rub his eyes, only to understand that _those weren't his hands_.

_He's blushing..._

Alphonse jumped. And screamed.

"Yaaaaah!!!"

"Aaaugh!!"

Wrath had his back on the wall, not daring to move. His dark purple eyes were still firmly fixed on the ceiling, though he glanced quickly at the sea of faces that had looked curiously at them when Al screamed...

Al... So he's alive again? He risked a glance in Al's direction, only to see the back of his head. Not to mention his back, pale and smooth, like a new canvas just waiting for someone to mark, to claw... He can NOT be thinking that.

Alphonse was burning up. He was already embarrassed by finding Wrath's hands on him, but the added stares and glances from the other boys were just too much.

Biting his lips, Alphonse quickly pulled on his P.E. shirt and stuffed everything else into his locker without folding them. He hurried out of the locker room and into the gym without even so much as glance back at Wrath.

-----

Wrath's lips were set into a grim smile. He hated being stared at, looked at, talked about. So what if he had (barf) green hair and dark purple eyes? So what if he was the younger brother of Envy, the infamous homicidal maniac? That doesn't mean he's homicidal, or in anyway mentally disturbed...

Well, maybe. But not as much as Envy, he decided.

Throwing his clothes clothes on the bench (he was supposed to share the locker with Alphonse, but he had locked it before the ran out), he gave all the other boys a stare that promised all sorts of things if they so much a touched him. Some boys shrank back towards the wall, and unlike the time when Alphonse had to push his way out, Wrath had a clear path all the way to the gym.

-----

Alphonse stared in horror at the hulk of a man standing before him. Alex Louis Armstrong had already ripped off his shirt and started flexing. The sight of his bare upper body brought back unwanted memories into Alphonse's mind.

Images of Envy sitting on Roy flooded Alphonse's eyes, thoughts of Wrath touching him surged in waves into his body, setting his nerves tingling and rendering his normally logical brain flabbergasted. And so he did the thing most people would do. He panicked.

-----

Edward was staring at the maths teacher. The text book was open in front of him, but it was free of any notes or doodles. Unlike Ling's, which had everything ranging from random words to unidentified blackish smears.

Golden eyes drifted around the class slowly, as if trying to look for something. Then they drifter around just a bit faster. Soon Edward was straining his eyes to look.

There was no sign of emerald green or violet eyes. Edward didn't know why he was so disappointed. After all, Envy did express his hatred for him that morning.

Not that he understood why.

Edward sighed and stared out the window. Rain always calmed him down.

-----

Envy kicked the door.

"OF ALL THE DAYS TO FORGET THE GODDAMN FUCKING KEY!!", he screamed in frustration, kicking the door again.

He sat down on the front porch, shivering. His usual gravity-defying hair was now flat against his back, his clothes sticking to his skin. He sniffed and wondered if he should kidnap Wrath. Or at least get the key from him. But if he had to go out in that bloody rain... Forget about it.

-----

Wrath grabbed Alphonse and shook him hard. When Alphonse still tried to hit him, Wrath had no choice but to knock him out._ Imagine using what your sadistic brother taught you on your best friend on the first day of school_, he thought grimly, and asked to be excused from P.E. He was rather glad to be away from Sparkly-Man.

He laid Alphonse down on the bed in the infirmity and stared at the wall. This was going to be a really long day.

-----

Edward checked his watch for the twenty-third time. Where the heck was Alphonse? Did he get lost? Did he get kidnapped? Where was he? He's supposed to be here... I mean, this is his _locker_, for fuck's sake. He felt his phone vibrate and picked it up a little hastily.

"Hello? Al, where the hell are you?"

"Are you Alphonse's brother?" Came a cool and childish voice.

"Who are you? What did you do to Al? If you so much as touched him, I swear, I will--"

"Relax, Mr. Over-protective. He's at my house now for a sleepover. He wanted me to tell you not to expect him home."

"He chose NOW to call? You know what? I don't believe you. Al would never, ever go to somebody's house for a sleepover--one the first day of school with someone he's only met for a day, no less!!"

"Okay, fine. I'll tell you the truth."

"Good."

"He's gotten hysterical and so I knocked him out, now he won't wake up and he's hogging my bed."

"....."

"Hello? You haven't fainted or something have you? Gods, you brothers have a very bad way of dealing with things."

".....Just tell me your home address and I'll come pick him up. I am NOT letting my brother stay over with a rapist."

"Hey! I am NOT a rapist! ...Well, maybe he WILL get raped, but not by me."

"JUST TELL ME THE GODDAMN FUCKING ADDRESS!!"

"....You know Long Garden?"

"...No..."

"....How about...erm... Times Square?"

"...No..."

"The Mines, Pacific Mall, anywhere?"

"Err... I know how to get to the grocery store at the corner and school..."

".........WHICH grocery store?"

"....I don't know."

"..... That's it. I'm bringing Alphonse to school tomorrow. Have a good day."

_Click._

Edward stared at the phone in his hand in amazement. _Have a good day?_ He had made an enemy of the scariest person in school, he had a manwhore staring at his ass all day, his brother had been abducted by this random person, and he had to cook dinner by himself. _Have a good day??_

-----

When Alphonse woke up he was staring at Wrath's sleeping face. Grinning sleepily, he slung his arm around Wrath's neck and snuggled closer. Wrath smelled like oranges. With that, he closed his eyes and fell asleep again.

-----

Envy threw the sheets onto the floor. Gods, he felt so hot. It was like his skin was burning up.

Sweat wet his sheets and his hair was once again sticking to his forehead. His breath came up in huffs and his pale face was flushed. Covering his eyes with his skinny arm, he drifted off into a shifty and uneasy sleep.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

:squeals: Al/Wrath moment!! Ah... The Sin family is supposed to have black hair, but Wrath and Envy dyed them green. (Different kinds of green, but green none the less.) They don't want to be associated with the word 'normal' so they insist it's their normal hair color. ...The A/N's are longer than the story itself... I really need to put a bit more into these stories... But don't worry, my friends!! Soon we'll be coming to the chapter/idea which spawned this whole story!! XDD See you guys soon! ^-^

ps. Noo! This chapter is shorter then normal by a thousand words!! I am SOO sorry!! I chose an update over a long chapter. Because I know that if I don't update it soon, I'll lose my reviews and I'll forget about it entirely. I'm so sorry... :implied: Reviews=Quick update+long story


	4. Thou Hast Wondrous Family Members

**A/N:** YES!! Chapter 4! It's rather long, this chapter, and it's also rather... um.... odd? I dunno. I have a feeling that the Al/Wrath-ness will soon be the main point of the story, since Ed and Envy aren't seeing each other. D: Damn. But still. Enjoy~! **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Alphonse is the kind of person who can wake up anytime they want without fail. He put alarm clocks to shame, never in his whole life needing them. And he wasn't going to stop now.

At 6.30 am sharp, Al's eyelids blinked open. He gazed up at a whitewashed ceiling and breathed in the scent of the sheets. Slightly musty, like it had been left alone for too long. He blinked, confused, then remembered that he and Ed were staying in a new flat, and relaxed. He turned around, ready to jump out of bed and wake his (lazy) brother up when he caught sight of a half-naked Wrath hugging his middle.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

Wrath fell off the bed and blinked, dazed. Why was Envy yelling so loudly? Robbery...? No, wait, it's Alphonse... _Why is Alphonse sitting on me?_

"GGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"

-----

Envy stared blankly at the wall, listening to the two teens screaming in Wrath's room. He didn't even have the energy to sit up and yell at them to shut up. Shaking slightly, he threw off his soaked clothes and wrapped himself in his blanket.

-----

Wrath stopped screaming and soon got Alphonse to quiet down too. Wondering idly why Envy haven't yelled at him, Al or his alarm clock yet, he pushed Al into his bathroom and threw in a clean set of clothes. He then hurriedly kicked everything under his bed, hoping Al hadn't seen his Spiderman underwear. Or his stuffed toy dragon. Hey, it had sentimental values, and even though Envy insists he throw it away ("It's a baby thing, Wrath!!"), he knew Envy knew he knew that Envy still keeps his yellow-purple spotted octopus beanie baby. Boy, if anyone knew that.... he'd have his head stuck on a pole for everyone to see.

Grabbing another set of not-so-new clothes, he walked out his room and knocked on Envy's door.

-----

_Knock knock_

Envy coughed into the blankets. Feeling dizzy, he muttered a soft groan and sighed. He wished the guy knocking on his door will just go away.

"ENVY!!! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!!!"

Envy closed his eyes and buried his head under the pillow.

"I'M GOING TO KICK THE DOOR DOWN!!!"

He muttered a few choice swear words and curled himself up tighter.

"JUST OPEN THE DAMNED DOOR, ENVY!! OR I'LL TELL!!"

Wrath stared at the white door. If the threat about telling his deepest, darkest secret (yellow spotted octopus beanie baby) didn't work, Envy would be either unconscious, dead, or...

"Damn, he must be out."

Getting the spare key from under the pot of plant near the stair way (Envy always locks his door accidentally), Wrath unlocked the door and went into the bathroom, not noticing the ball of blankets with random locks of long green hair hanging over the bed.

-----

Alphonse quickly changed into the clothes that Wrath gave him and surveyed himself in the body-length mirror.

He looked good. In fact, he looked _very_ good. The sleeveless black tee hugged his slim body and the low-waist jeans hung off his... well, waist. He left the chokers and chunky bracelets alone, though. Whatever would brother say? He'd never worn anything less than a round-neck tee and knee-length shorts.

_I wonder if Brother burnt the eggs..._

He followed Wrath's shouting to Envy's door, and opened it.

"Wrath?"

And he nearly died. Envy's room was like a torture chamber to neat-freaks like Alphonse. The floor was littered with shirts, CDs, random bits of brown gooey stuff, a bowl of half-eaten soggy chocolate cereal, a box of pizza (extra cheese) and what was that yellow spotted octopus doing on the bed next to a ball of sheets with green stuff hanging out-

"AAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! WRATH!!!!"

Alphonse tackled the blankets and threw it onto the floor. He heard it emit a high-pitched yelp, and that strengthened his suspicion that Wrath had been mummified.

He tugged at the sheets, and out of the corner of his eye, saw Wrath's face poking out of the bathroom looking at him in horror and astonishment.

"Hey, Wrath! What are you doing there when you're supposed to be here.... Oh my."

Alphonse dropped the ball of fabric hastily, and the hoarse groan told him that yes, it was alive.

"Wrath!!"

The boy had already leaped out of the bathroom, pants held up, shirtless and all, and tackled the ball of blankets, all the while yelling 'Envy!!'.

_Envy? Wait... that's Wrath's brother right? The one that was sitting on the black-haired guy yesterday in the cafeteria... And then Wrath touched me in gym class..._

Alphonse had to duck into bathroom to get rid of the blood dripping out of his nose. Luckily Wrath was too busy tackling the sheets and holding up his pants to take any notice.

By the time Envy was out of the confines of the Strangling Sheets, dressed, and brushed his teeth, Wrath had called his sister and Alphonse had started getting used to seeing naked body parts. But didn't mean he could look and not blush like mad or start ranting about nonsensical stuff.

The doorbell ringing told the two boys that their saviour was here. Wrath rushed to the door and opened it hastily.

"Mommy!" he cried happily, and sank his face into the brunette's waist. The woman smiled prettily and stroked his head, nodding at Alphonse who greeted her with a polite 'good morning'.

She introduced herself as 'Sloth',_ why do these people all have freaky names??_, and ushered in anther woman standing behind her that Al hadn't noticed.

"This is my twin sister, Lust." Sloth said softly (she did everything either softly or gently).

Lust leaned against the doorway, a bored look on her pale face. Her ivory arms were crossed over her rather big chest, and she was wearing a black dress with red patterns that would have looked horrible on anyone else. In fact, Alphonse would say she was the only one who looked related to Envy. Minus the hair difference, they were both pale, tall and slim, and had the same other-worldly air and beauty. Not to mention that they wore clothes with style.

She raked her dark hair up and let it fall over her shoulders.

"Where's that sick little brother of mine, then, little ones?"

-----

Envy groaned to himself when he heard the footsteps on the stairs. The only person Wrath will call is Sloth, and Sloth will definitely tell Lust. He wondered idly which was the lesser evil of the two. Lust just sat there and looked... well, lusty, but when she was in a talkative mood she'll start going on and on about her boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, their money, random cute boys, cosmetics, handbags, and something Envy could never understand: girl mood swings.

"_Wait, so you're saying that your friend's boyfriend broke up with her. Over the phone. Then she called you. She was crying."_

"_Yes."_

"_Then you mention her favorite pop idol and she started laughing?"_

"_Yes."_

"_And when you asked about her boyfriend, she ah... 'scorned him like the dirt on her shoes'?"_

"_Her ex. And it's 'the dirt on her heels', not shoes."_

"_Oh."_

Sloth, on the other hand, could nurse one to death. In fact, what started out as a common flu for Wrath became a full two week quarantine in his room. _And_ he was only allowed to eat porridge.

Envy shuddered. He'd take his chances with Lust.

-----

"Wait, let me get this straight, Wrath. Sloth's your mother."

"Mm-hmm."

"But Lust's your sister."

"Yeah."

"And they're twins."

"Right."

"Am I missing something?"

"....We have two more brothers?"

"Forget I ever asked."

------

Edward ran out of the house, rushed past the mail man, skidded over the road, ran back past the mail man again, leaped past the steps and locked the door. Then he sprinted past the mail man again, and left a trail of people coughing on the cloud of dust.

_Shit shit shit shit I'm going to be late._

He jumped over old ladies walking their dogs (he's short, but he can jump really high), narrowly avoided being hit by cars, and caused a few strings of road accidents. Later pedestrians will report a yellow and red blur flashing by, some convinced it was an alien invasion and causing a half-hour traffic jam while they look for the evidence of Martians.

Edward slammed open the door of his classroom, panting.

"I'm... so sorry, sir.... I... woke up... late."

Mr. Tucker didn't even spare Edward a glance, his eyes firmly fixed on the wall at the very back of the classroom, a vacant smile on his face.

Edward edged around him carefully and plopped himself next to Ling.

"Late on the second day? Even Envy doesn't do that."

Edward grunted and turned around. The Flaming Pony was getting a massage by a busty brunette, the strict blonde sitting next to him was writing and shooting the brunette withering looks, the brunette was ignoring the withering looks, and everything was pretty much normal. Except...

"Where's Envy?"

Ling turned to him, squinty eyes and all, and said in all seriousness, "Why are you asking about him?"

Edward whipped around and felt a light blush on his cheeks.

"I just want to make sure I won't have a crazy sadistic demented palm tree hating me today."

Ling, if it was even possible, scrunched up his eyes even more, but said nothing. He turned back to a bunch of sticks on his table and ignored Edward.

Edward just sighed. No, not in disappointment. No way. Just... It's complicated.

He hated doing nothing. Doing nothing made him argue with himself. It was kind of silly.

_You miss him._

_Do not._

_Do so._

_Not._

_Do so._

_Do not!!_

_I say yes._

_I say NO WAY!!_

_Denial is bad for you._

_I'M NOT IN DENIAL!!_

See? Silly. Just silly.

-----

"Envy, drink this. It's said to cure you of anything."

_Yeah right, and give me diarrhea,_ he thought, but drank the foul-tasting liquid anyway.

He made a face and handed the cup back to Sloth.

"Now go to sleep. Sleep does wonders."

He managed a weak smile and slipped under the covers.

-----

Wrath handed the slip of paper to the secretary (who thankfully wasn't making out with the balding headmaster) and was sent directly to lunch. Alphonse pulled down his (Wrath's) shirt, feeling very self-conscious.

"Brother!"

"Al! You're alive!!"

"Of course I'm alive! Hey, brother, this is Wrath. Wrath, this is my brother, Edward."

Wrath glanced at Edward.

"You're sho-"

Alphonse slapped a hand on Wrath's mouth and shushed him with a look.

"You're... that rapist!! Al, get away from him!!"

Alphonse cocked an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed.

Wrath ripped Alphonse's hand from his mouth and snarled. "I did NOT touch your brother. And I am no rapist. Heck, you can't even find your way to the nearest mall!"

Alphonse cleared his throat. "Actually, _he_ found the grocery store."

Edward scratched the back of his head. "That's because you were to busy unpacking and I was hungry, Al."

Alphonse groaned and rested his head on Wrath's shoulder. "I was trying to help you, brother."

"Oh."

Wrath rolled his eyes and tugged at Alphonse's arm. "C'mon, let's go, else the seats will all be taken."

Alphonse nodded and waved a quick goodbye to Edward.

He watched as the two made their way to the line (standing disturbingly close) and saw Anne talking to a tall, scary looking guy with short white hair who looked pretty comical balancing two trays of 'cafeteria food'.

He waved them over and Anne introduced the man.

"Ed, this is Scar. He wasn't here yesterday because he had to help his brother bomb a small village in East Africa."

Edward couldn't tell if she was joking or not.

Scar took off his sunglasses, and Edward noticed with a jolt that his eyes were red. Really red. Strangely natural-looking red.

Scar stood a good one and a half head taller than the two of them, and he looked them with a critical eye. Edward had a funny feeling in his gut that told him this guy is very, very, very scary.

"You're just a little bit shorter than him, Anne." he said, in his deep rumbling voice.

Anne looked very unhappy. Not to mention she had this dark aura surrounding her and Edward could see her infamous chopsticks gripped tightly in her hands.

Edward just felt grateful that Ling had spotted them (or rather, Scar's back) and was quickly making his way to them.

-----

"Oh no, Lust! I've got this really important meeting, but I can't possibly leave Envy here! He's _sick_!!"

Lust cocked one eyebrow and stared impassively at the distressed Sloth.

"Yes, Sloth. We know he's sick. Go to work."

"But- but!! No one will give him his medicine, no one will take care of him- and, and-"

Lust examined her fingernails, scarily long and sharp and painted black.

"Sloth, I will take care of him. Now go."

Sloth gave Lust a grateful glance and rushed out the door.

Envy frowned, and turned around in his sleep, bringing his blankets closer.

Lust just hugged her herself (does no one notice that's her favorite pose?) and settled down on the couch, eyes closed.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

There! Done. Wow wow, 7 pages. That lots. :D To make up for the lateness. (Again) Next chapter: the idea that hatched this fic! It includes tomato soup. XD

TTFN~


	5. Thou Likes Tomato Soup

**A/N:** Ta-dah! The plot bunny that grew into a GIANT plot bunny. Mutated genes or something. -scratches head- It just got into my head to write a fic based on Envy being beaten up, Edward saving him, and Envy's reaction to being saved (which will be coming in the next chapter!!) I really should put this under angst, but no, that's just one chapter. I swear. Okay, I've talked long enough. Enjoy!** A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The school bell rang, and Edward trotted out of the class, chatting amiably with Ling. He walked to his locker, firstly scanning the hall to make sure there were no black-haired sexaholic waiting to jump him. After throwing all his text books into the cramped metal space, he ambled past a few corridors to meet up with Alphonse.

He found him talking to that.... rapist friend of his, what was his name-? Wrath? Right, Wrath. Envy's brother. He hadn't actually registered the fact that he had unconsciously brought Envy back into his line of thought again, until he found himself asking, 'I wanna know more about Envy.'

He put it down to his curiosity to know why on earth the fascinatingly beautiful, I mean, striking, green haired teen would suddenly see him in such a negative light. What did he ever do to him?

He shook his head and waited for Al to finish giving Wrath a quick peck on the cheek- Wait, what?! Even Al didn't kiss _him_, and now he's ki-ki-_kissing_ that... person?!

Edward could feel a spazz attack coming on.

He stomped over to Al, grabbed the cuff of his shirt, and dragged him forcefully away from the shocked and blushing teen.

"What," he growled into his brother's ear, "are you doing, Al?! I thought you had better sights than _that_!"

Alphonse twisted out of his older (but shorter) brother's grasp and said unhappily, "But Wrath's my friend!"

"No, Wrath, _friends_ don't kiss each other. You don't even kiss _me_, and I'm _family_."

"Wrath says they do, in France." Alphonse said, arms crossed over his chest.

"We're not in France, Al." Edward softened a bit. "But if you must," he sighed, knowing that his brother was too affectionate for his own good, "do it in private."

"Yes brother." Al chirped, and kissed Edward on the cheek.

-----

Alphonse dropped his school bag onto the sofa, pulling off his socks and talking to Edward. His brother was acting a bit distracted today. He shrugged it off and turned towards his usual sparkly clean kitchen.

Or rather, what used to be his sparkly clean kitchen.

"BROTHER!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY KITCHEN?!"

Edward banged his head on the black, flaking wall.

"You weren't around, Al, and I was hungry..."

"THEN ORDER TAKE-OUT!!"

"I didn't have their number-"

"HAVE FROZEN PIZZA OR SOMETHING!!"

"I did!"

"AND?!"

"....the microwave exploded."

Alphonse scraped a layer of dried, black, burnt stuff off the counter.

"Brother?"

"Um... Yes, Al?"

Alphonse took a piece of paper out of his pocket.

"Go shopping."

Edward let out a sigh of relief. Thank god Al didn't see the cupboards... At least, not yet. He turned and pulled on his boots when Alphonse called from the kitchen.

"And don't forget to buy milk! Two liters!"

Edward mock barfed but replied with a dutiful 'Yes, Al.' And walked out the door.

-----

Lust put the palm of her hand to Envy's forehead and declared him well.

"Now get up, Envy. I need you to go to the grocery store."

Envy swiveled a complete 360 to look at her in disbelief.

"You want _me_- but I just got well from a fever- you can't -_LUST_!!" He spluttered, even though he knew could never, ever get Lust to see his point of view.

Lust, of course cocked a beautifully arched eyebrow and stared. "And now you're well and healthy. Now go. I'm out of tampons. Not to mention Sloth wants you to buy some edible stuff, no just have pizza everyday."

-----

The chill of the air bit his skin, and he wished he had worn his cloak. Instead he had opted to wear his usual black outfit-black top and skorts. Maybe it was just pride, to show that he didn't need to wrap up. To show that he's not what you'd call normal. To show that he wasn't sick, and being sick was something alien to him.

But he wasn't dwelling on that. His mind was busy churning over the fact that he had to go buy _tampons_ for his sister. Can't she do it herself? I mean, she's a _woman_. Woman buy woman things. _Males_ (like him) do not buy stuff woman use during their monthly bitchy phase. But then again, since she needed- gods, he didn't even dare _think_ the word- _that_, it would mean she's having her monthly bitchy phase.

And arguing with her during her monthly bitchy phase...

Let's just say things won't get pretty.

-----

Edward dropped the can of tomato soup into his shopping basket without even checking its expiry date or looking for dents in the can. If, he summarized, Alphonse wanted prettily packaged stuff to eat, _he_ can do the shopping.

He walked past the dairy isle and spotted the rows upon rows of milk, with every kind of milk imaginable. Low Fat, High Calcium, Chocolate Milk, Strawberry Milk, Full Fat Milk, Fresh Milk... He stared in disbelief at the housewives, pushing their trolley along and dumping the bottles of milk in with a quick gesture, without even noticing the evil pouring from their every atom.

He shuddered, and pulled on his thickest pair of white gloves.

One woman glanced in his direction, obviously concerned. She pushed her trolley (free of any evil milk products, Edward noted with some relief) to him and said, "You won't get frost bite, you know. It isn't that cold."

Edward was itching to tell her that if you stick a metal arm into a refrigerator, you _will_ get frost bite. It never occurred to him that he could use his _other hand_.

He gave her a forced smile, and proceeded to give the milk evil stares.

-----

Envy walked quickly down the street, too concerned about how he was going to act later. Maybe he could parade as a woman? Just for a while? He never noticed the shadows following him, and neither did he notice the men pulling out their switchblades.

-----

It was mocking him.

The damned milk was mocking him.

It was sitting there, like it belonged there, and just looking up at him with that unconcerned air.

Edward closed his eyes and thrust his hand into the icy hell and grabbed the closest thing to him.

Letting it fall quickly into the trolley with a loud _squish_, he slowly opened his eyes and read the label.

_Australia's Finest Milk 100% Fresh_

He let out a sigh of relief._ Great, I got the right bottle._

He was about to grab another bottle when he noticed the soft _drip drip drip_ coming from his trolley.

"OHMYGODS THE EGGS ARE CRUSHED!!!"

-----

Envy had never felt anything like it. Neither could he believe it.

He was being beaten up.

If only he hadn't just recovered from that damned fever, he would have these idiots on their backs within five minutes.

A foot connected with his stomach,and he cried out in pain. The muggers just laughed. Why...? Oh, right. He was on his way to the grocery store... And those guys mistook him for a bitch (I ALWAYS wear this!!) and when he tried to hit one of them, the others ganged up on him.

"Heh, this is a nice change from raping all those loud bitches." One of them sneered, kicking Envy in the thigh. He gasped and swore to god that when he got his strength back he will hunt them down one by one and castrate them.

They took away his phone, his wallet, his shopping list (Now, what would they want to do with THAT?!) and turned around, ready to leave. Dammit, he should have kept his big mouth shut. What the hell possessed him to irritate them even more?

"Hey, son of a bitches! You assholes!" He shouted, furious. He, Envy, the infamous black-belt in the damn neighborhood was being beaten by these punks. He won't be able to stand the disgrace.

The biggest of them turned around and asked, "You callin' us, slut?"

"I don't see any assholes other than you."

The mugger blinked and thought for a moment before scowling and lunging for Envy.

If only he had kept his fucking mouth shut.

He shut his eyes and braced himself for the hit. Most probably he'll pass out, since he was still... weak. Damn you Lust, I told you I didn't want to go shopping!

He heard a dull 'thunk' and a groan, and hesitantly opened an eye. The thug was on the floor, rubbing his head and groaning in pain, while his other hand held a... tin of tomato soup.

What the-?? Envy glanced the other way and caught sight of golden eyes flashing angrily and golden hair blowing around a usually angelic face, though now it was contorted with anger.

"Keep your dirty hands off him!!" Edward yelled down the alley, catching the attention of those big guys. Which may not be a good idea.

They lunged at him, but Edward was ready. Ugly #1 came with a punch, but Edward ducked and swung out his feet, tripping him and causing him to fall back on Ugly #2. Ugly #3 roared and flung him arms out wildly, all which Edward dodged, and, sensing that his opponent had tired out, lashed out and caught him in the gut. Ugly #3 grunted, and fell onto his side, leaving Ugly #4, who was still staring at the tin of tomato soup. He looked at Ed, the tomato soup, his cronies, and back at Edward again, finally deciding to do the smart thing--Throw the can of tomato soup at Envy and run.

The tin hit Envy's already too-bruised face, and he yelped. Edward shook his fist at the retreating back of the lumbering thug.

Envy felt sick. He could taste his own blood, metallic and raw, and he felt very sick. Very, very very sick. It was all he could do to not spill all the contents of his breakfast over the pavement.

"Hey! Hey, Envy, you okay?"

Envy groaned. He didn't remember the pipsqueak, though he seems kind of familiar... All this thinking was giving him a headache.

He distantly felt somebody gently carrying him, though he kept his eyes closed and breathing shallow, trying not to pass out.

After--a few minutes? An hour? He didn't know-- he was put into a bed, while another boy tended to his injuries. He cracked open an eye and saw a young boy with dirty-blond hair and bright blue eyes smiling at him.

"How are you feeling? Brother carried you home, and now I'm going to tend to your wounds." He said, sounding like a nurse. Envy hated nurses, with their stupid fake smiles and phony cheerfulness. "This may sting a bit," the boy added, now frowning at the extent of Envy's injuries. Fresh cuts crissed-crossed his torso and legs, and it was cut with a blunt knife. Bruises appeared everywhere, on his face, chest, thighs... Not to mention he had a bloodied lip and a black eye.

Envy hissed in pain as the antiseptic touched his fresh cuts. Damn, that hurt. He kept his eyes scrunched up in pain as Alphonse tried to finish his nursing quickly. _'And I haven't even started on his back yet,'_ he thought grimly.

By the time Envy was bandaged, he was exhausted. All he wanted to do now was just sleep. And hopefully never wake up. The pain--oh, the pain! Even the slightest movement sent bolts of pain up his spine, and he saw spots dance in front of his eyes.

He groaned and flopped back onto the bed, flinching when the mattress smashed into his fresh wounds. He closed his eyes and passed out.

-----

"Hey."

"Brother."

"So how's he?"

Alphonse closed the door carefully.

"Um... Not very good. He's got these really deep cuts and bruises... All over the place." He shook his head. "He still has a temperature."

Edward stared at the book in his lap.

"I know, I suspected as much. He didn't come to school today."

Alphonse didn't say anything, but instead he called Wrath on his phone.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Yes, I stopped it there. I'm evil, so sue me. Didja like it? Of course you did! Now review and tell me just exactly how much you liked it! ^-^

Ps. I just noticed it's kinda short... Um... Sorry 'bout that, and I can't promise a long chapter, but I WILL write a V-day's fic, so keep an eye out for that! ^-^


	6. Thou Hast A Cat?

**A/N:** OMG I SUCK. I know that, okay okay. I'll go jump into a lake when I finish this chapter. Sorry for the lateness, I was having my exams _not to mention_ my internet went down. Can you imagine? No internet for two weeks?? I can't believe how dependent I am on fanfics now. Anyhow, sorry there was no V-day fic because!! I suck. D: Next year, my friends. Next year. Well, I'll keep the A/N short (they become longer with every chapter...) and so... yeah. Ps. Tell me what song's idea I took and I'll write a special one-shot for you. -wink- **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Envy flinched as every movement sent pain running down his hands. He took deep breaths to stop his body shaking, and sat on the edge of his bed.

"That damn shrimp is definitely going to tell the whole fucking school! Roy will piss if he hears I've been K. by a bunch of idiots." he muttered savagely. "Stupid, stupid, stupid shrimp!!"

Envy refused to admit he was weak. He refused to admit it. He could've gone home perfectly fine without the stupid blondie barging in and messing things up.

...Who was he kidding? The kid practically saved him!!

"I. AM. NOT. WEAK." He slammed his closet door shut.

"I do NOT need saving from short loud shrimps."

His reputation... All gone down the drain.

He'll be laughed at.

_Hey, look, it's Envy, the faggot guy who tried to be all 'badass' and everything. Turns out he can't fight shit to save his pathetic self._

He'll be bullied.

_So how does it feel to be slammed against your own locker, pansy? Doesn't feel too good, huh? Oh, I'm sorry, does it hurt?_

It'll happen all over again.

_Stay away from him, he's got all kinds of diseases... Heaven knows how many people he'd done already._

He grit his teeth and stepped into the shower. He was a virgin. He was NOT a whore. He did NOT do random strangers. He believed in love.

No, wait. Where did _that_ pop out from?

He can't have the stupid shorty ruining his life. It's already been ruined before, and he didn't like it very much, thank you.

He turned up the hot water.

He's gotta find a way to keep the blondie shut.

-----

To say the least, he didn't expect it.

The door opened and Edward walked in, the morning sun reflecting off his golden hair. He looked around and saw Envy, sitting at the end of the classroom.

Taking a deep breath, the blond slowly walked up to him.

"Hi, Envy."

Envy's half-closed eyes snapped open at the metal arm on his desk. He pulled his ear-phones out of his ears and stared up at those honey colored eyes.

"Well, you know, I was wondering-well, I mean, about yesterday.."

_What. Was. He. DOING?!_

"I mean, you were hurt, and-ah, I just wondered-"

_Why was he talking to _me?!

"-are you all okay now?"

Envy just continued staring.

"Um... Envy?"

"What are you doing." It was one of his personal freak-people-out traits, the way he could make a question seem like a statement. Add the unnatural eye color and unblinking eyes, and he could make babies whimper.

"Er..."

"Do NOT talk to me."

"But... You know, after yesterd-"

"Yesterday never happened."

Edward bit his lip. The whole class was staring now, at the new kid--_what_ was he _doing_, talking to _Envy_? Did he _not_ want his _life_??

"I... just wanted.. to know if you're alright."

Envy snapped.

"FUCK OFF, YOU ANNOYING PIECE OF _SHIT_!! I DID **NOT** _ASK_ YOU TO HELP ME! I DON'T **NEED** NO HELP! YOU JUST FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED AND DO. NOT. EVER. TALK. TO ME. _**AGAIN**_!!"

Edward gasped, tears welling in his eyes. What had he _done_?!

"I just want to be your frien-"

"YOU ARE **NOT** MY FRIEND!! NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"

Envy was screaming now, and he didn't care. He just wanted the little blond shit out of his sight. He couldn't stand it, his coming to talk to him, wanting to become friends, the _concern_ in his voice...

Edward took a step back, and stared up at the angry teen, green strands of long hair falling over his hissing face. He took another step back, turned, and ran.

The door banged loudly and a hush fell over the entire class.

Envy stood, frozen.

He didn't know what to do. Oh, for fuck's sake, he didn't know what the hell just happened!

Roy stared at the door, then back at Envy again.

He was now sitting down in his seat, radiating a murderous aura that will make babies wail if they come within 50 feet of the teen.

The whispers were starting. And it was getting louder.

"-did you hear-"

"-must've given him-"

"-took his virginity-"

"-bastard played him-"

Envy shook with rage. This was why he didn't want it coming out. Everything, _everything_, will be so twisted-

_**SLAM**_!

The poor slab of wood creaked on its one hinge miserably.

Once again, an unnatural silence fell over the entire class.

-----

His ribs still hurt. He put a sleek hand over his thin chest and heaved a long sigh.

Skipping school wasn't smart. He hadn't been to school properly for the first three days of the new term.

He groaned, and sank into the old oak tree. Please don't let Dante know.

It was useless. The school would do anything to kick him out. If only his mother hadn't bought her way into the school, he would probably be... working.

No. He'd rather go to school and put up with the fucking annoying teachers.

_Not to mention blondes..._

He stood up and ran his hands over the rough bark of the old oak tree. He liked trees.

He glanced up at the tree, and saw a loose yellow ribbon fluttering around the branches.

Long, long ago, he'd tied it there.

He put down his bag and hoisted himself onto the main branches.

_I don't even know why I'm doing this, _he mused, quickly scaling up the familiar tree.

He came here plenty of times. He climbed this tree so many times. He had countless skinned knees and scraped elbows. Back then, he was _normal_.

He snatched the ribbon from the branches and it went limp in his hands. The yellow had faded into a sort of pale orange. He stared at it some more, and leapt off the branch.

-----

Edward ran. He ran until he felt his legs shake and tremble under him. He ran until his legs gave out and he tumbled onto the hard, rough pavement. And then, he still got up and limped.

Far away... He needed to be _as far away as possible_.

He can't believe he just waltzed up to Envy and wanted to _make friends_. He never acted so impulsive before. In fact, why should he even have cared that Envy was being beaten up? He should have just walked away and ignore it, instead he had acted like a 'hero' and 'saved' him. He turned at glared a stray cat.

_Alphonse would love it,_ he thought absently, sighing. He lifted his hands and let the cat curl up next to him.

He sat on the pavement for an hour until a policeman came around and asked him what he was doing here. So he made up the excuse that he had taken the bus, fell asleep, got kicked out, and walked around randomly until he got lost. Oh, and he was new.

The policeman narrowed his eyes at him, as if making up his mind to believe the short guy or not, and then finally told him the directions how to get back to the school.

Edward flashed him a grateful smile, and started walking back.

It wasn't until he was about a block away that he noticed the cat trailing after him.

It's green eyes bore through Edward and made him uneasy. He didn't know why, but he fidgeted a bit.

"Shoo. Go away." He muttered, waving his hand at the cat. The cat stared at him and licked its grey-and-white fur.

Edward glanced at the cat, and took two steps back. He saw the cat still sitting on the pavement. _Good_, he thought, and turned around, walking slowly.

To be completely honest, he didn't want to go back. What he wanted to do, was build a time machine, get back to this morning, tell his stupid self to _not talk to Envy and make his life living hell_.

Of course, that would be absurd, because as far as he knew, time machines don't exist.

The cat was still following him. He noticed it when he walked a bit too fast and the cat wailed. Loudly.

He tried ignoring it, but apparently the cat has adopted him, and didn't appreciate being ignored.

Edward stopped and turned around, a scowl evident on his face.

"Shoo. I said, shoo!!" He waved his hands. The cat waved its tail in the air once and stalked past the shorty. Edward threw his hands up in the air in defeat.

"Fine! Whatever! Just don't follow me back home!"

The cat aimed for Edward's boot.

-----

Envy stood outside the door, wondering if Wrath had spiked the orange juice he had for breakfast. He took a deep breath and turned the handle.

Tucker didn't even lift his eyes off the ceiling fan, but the rest of the class noticed. Roy was the first to give him a glare. Soon the others were all staring, glaring and basically boring holes into him. Apparently the shorty was pretty popular, no matter that it was his third fucking day in the fucking new school.

Envy, on the other hand, is still a social outcast after 3 years. Not really, he still had a few psychologically disturbed acquaintances but no real friend. The thought made him angry again.

He stomped over to the last desk next to the window and dropped his school bag unceremoniously onto the floor and glared back at anybody who dared to look his way.

Nobody could out-glare him. Nobody.

-----

Edward crashed onto Ling's table full of cat in lunch.

"AAAARRGGGHHH!! GEDDIT OFF ME!!" He shrieked, trying desperately to get rid of the grey-white cat. The cat sank its claws deeper into Edward's automail. His leather pants were shredded and ruined, the last remaining strands of fiber dangling pathetically in the air.

Food was thrown into the air, chairs overturned and people screamed.

Ling stared for a moment before going back to his food, Ran Fan whipped her homework away from the cat's sharp claws, Russell whimpered and disappeared under the table, Anne clutched her bowl of noodles protectively and Scar just stood there, silent. Nobody seemed to mind that their table was full of blond and cat.

Roy stared at the other end of the cafeteria. As far as he could make out, his newest play-toy was writhing on Ling's table like some kind of cheap whore. And wow, his limbs are shiny. _Shiny... reflective... cat._ What?

That was definitely a cat. And the cat's hungry. He picked up his half-empty bottle of milk and poured it onto a dish. He picked it up and walked over to the blond boy, making sure to stay a good 5 feet away and set the dish down on the floor. He whistled.

The cat whipped around quick as lightning and launched itself onto the black-and-white tiled floor. It dunk its head into the milk and slurped. Yes, slurped. Like how we drink Slurpee.

Edward lay on the table, a look of shock on his face. Angry red scratch marks covered his arm and leg. Well, the ones that weren't metal, anyway. He had a deep gash on his cheek, and blood dripped slowly.

The cat finished its meal and turned around, hissing at Edward. He jumped 3 feet into the air and cowered behind Ling. Scar stood up and stared down at the cat, his deep red eyes boring into the cat's green one. The cat got up and mewled, walking around Scar's legs. Scar reached down and put him onto his lap.

"You're petting it." It was a statement, not a question. Edward looked dumbfounded.

Scar looked unblinkingly at him, then slowly turned his attention back to the cat, who was still curled up on his lap.

"That _thing_ tried to kill me."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic, Ed. It's just a ca- GGYYYYAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Ling screamed, withdrawing his hand. It was bleeding.

Ran Fan shot the cat a dirty look.

Russell crawled out from under Ling's chair. He was shaking.

"That," he muttered faintly, "is the most sadistic cat I've ever seen." And he slumped to the floor, unconscious.

"Devil's spawn." Ling said, looking at the cat. It hissed at him.

"It drinks milk," Ed said as a way of confirmation.

The only person who found the whole thing funny was Scar. The one with the devil cat on his lap.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Wow. That has GOT to be the lamest chapter in the history of all highschool AU fanfictions. I actually wanted the chapter to be all angsty, but apparently I don't do angsty well, and so I came up with this weird chapter. It's really weird. Ah well. Sorry for the really long wait, I didn't feel like writing. And btw, would you guys want a Naruto cross-over? Please vote on my profile, because your answer will change the story. :D Thanks.

Hope you guys liked it.


	7. Thou Meets Thy DOOM

**A/N:** I am back!!! Okay, not for long. I'm under house arrest with no computer access, so you can imagine my level of insanity right now. I was never normal to begin with, and well... I can't promise a good chapter, I can't promise I'll update, but I WILL try my best to write, edit and post it up ASAP. Oh, and many thanks to YukinoKara, (my beta!!) and Shikamarurules1 for naming the MOST SADISTIC CAT OF ALL TIME MUAHAHAHA-hack- -cough- -cough- Um, on with the story... A/N end

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Envy jumped ten feet in the air when he felt the claws. He crashed back down to earth with a throbbing head, and glared up at the ceiling, which was cracked and had a perfect imprint of the top of Envy's head, complete with hair roots and everything.

The cat sat on Envy's half-covered foot, playing with Envy's shoelaces. Envy immediately knew he was dealing with something very dangerous. It stared up at the teen with an air of haughtiness unrivaled by anybody. Or anything.

Envy, who had never in his life respected anyone except for Dante (grudgingly) and Lust (he didn't hate her, not really), found himself getting on his knees to look at the cat straight in the face. It half-closed its eyelids to stare back at him.

"Minimo."

The cat yawned, stretching its jaws open and flicking its tongue out. It brushed its nose against Envy's, and then turned around and walked away. Envy felt as though he's just been graced by the Queen's presence.

He shook his head, reminding himself to go for a check-up to see if he was going insane.

-----

Roy stopped short, staring at the gates... Or more specifically, the _person_ in front of the gates. He let his eyes rake over the womanly curves, and the wavy long hair, so inky black it could almost rival his. Almost. He focused on the pinkish eyes and the ivory pale skin, and mentally tasted the soft, plump lips. She reminded him of someone. That didn't matter.

She leaned against the side of her dark purple convertible, looking utterly relaxed. Roy had met mafias with the same calm. And they were deadly. She held her hands crossed over her chest, looking at the open doors. Looking at him.

"What the...? Lust, what the hell are you doing here?"

Roy knew that voice. His eye twitched when the voice became louder with every step.

The woman looked past him and onto the newcomer.

"Envy dear, what took you so long? I was getting tired of waiting." she smiled slightly and uncrossed her arms, holding them up towards Envy. Roy snorted.

Envy pushed past him, giving him a glare. Roy stared back fearlessly into his eyes. He also ignored the very unsubtle 'Look-any-more-and-I-will-rip-your-head-off' message.

The green-haired teen walked up to the woman, head held high.

"C'mon, Lust, let's go," he said, grabbing her arm roughly, "This place is full of crazy people."

The two off them stepped into the purple convertible and sped off.

-----

Edward removed himself from the window. _So I guess he's still mad at me.... Somehow._

He rubbed his arm unconsciously and winced in pain. He'd just broken one of the thin scars and the cut started bleeding again. He slowly sunk down to the floor.

"Stupid cat."

-----

Ling ran a hand through his jet-black hair and tugged lightly on his ponytail. Something happened to his new friend, and he didn't like 'things' happening to his friends. Problem is, he didn't know specifically _what_ happened.

"Envy happened, that's what."

He blinked and turned to his left. Anne was looking straight ahead, making no sign to tell him that she had just spoken. Her voice was soft and mystical, and she was always sending people mixed messages. Right now he was getting the feeling that she both wanted to hug him and dig out his eyeballs. Maybe both.

Ling turned his gaze back onto the blond leaving the school, walking slowly with his head down.

"Do you know why?"

Anne rolled her eyes. "He likes Envy."

Ling raised opened his slanty eyes just a bit wider.

"I mean, it's totally obvious that he's gay. The minute I set my eyes on him my gaydar went off almost as strongly as when I first met Envy." she paused a while, then looked up at Ling. "...and you. You like him, don't you?"

Ling gave her his slanty eyed scowl. "You're blunt."

Anne smirked. "No, I'm Asian."

-----

Wrath walked slowly, savoring the little chance he could walk with Alphonse. At least the bus stop was a good half kilometer away.

Their hands brushed together, and Wrath half-listened to the ranting Alphonse, preferring to concentrate on the small patch of skin which suddenly seemed too hot.

"Hey, hey, Wrath?"

Wrath snapped out of his little day-dream to focus back on Alphonse's face.

"Yeah?"

"Isn't that Envy and Lust?"

And so it was. Envy's right arm hung out of the purple Porsche, while his left was gesturing around wildly. Lust leaned back into the driver's seat, arm resting on the wheel and nodding at Envy.

"I... think they're waiting for me." Wrath muttered.

Lust happened to glance at the side mirror and caught the reflection of a very confused-looking Wrath. She stuck her hand out of the window and waved Wrath over.

"We're going for dinner, now hop in." she unlocked the car door for him.

Wrath climbed into the back seat and looked over at Alphonse.

Alphonse gave him a cherry wave. "I'll be going, then. See you at school tomorrow, Wrath."

Wrath waved half-heartedly out of the window, a little sad he didn't get to spend more time with his boyf- _best_ friend. Yes, best friend.

Envy glanced at the rear-view mirror and snickered. Wrath's red face turned scarlet. Damn Envy. Damn, damn, damn that cross-dressing palm tree!!

-----

The next morning was terrible for Edward. His head throbbed, his homework got slashed to their deaths with all credit going to the EVIL TERROR CAT OF DOOM and his rubber band snapped on the way to school.

Golden blond hair shimmered in the sunlight, blinding anyone within 3 feet of the shininess. Edward ignored the random shouts of 'Hey wanna go out Saturday night?' and 'Dude, you're even gayer than you were yesterday!' and fumed all the way to his class.

He slammed his book bag onto the table and rested his head onto the crook of his elbow.

"Ling, do you have a rubber band?"

Ling stopped drinking from his juice can to rummage around in his pockets.

"Nope, sorry."

Edward sighed through his nose.

"'Sides, you look great with your hair down."

Ling propped his feet up on the table and smiled at him. "Oh, and later at lunch, Anne's friend wants to meet you. She..." Here he paused, looking for the right word. "She's a fortune teller."

Edward raised an eyebrow skeptically. He didn't believe in fortune telling, horoscopes, fate, karma and stuff like that. It was unscientific and Edward didn't do unscientific.

He turned away and twisted his hair around. His neck was getting hot.

The door opened and Envy came in. His eyes were dull, then getting sharper, until he had bore a hole into Roy's head, only the raven didn't notice. Roy, was, for once, ignoring the girls and zoning out. He hadn't even joked about Edward's hair.

Edward watched the glare intensify until the bell rang. Envy looked up, a little surprised at having been glaring at Roy for 4 minutes and 37 seconds and that man-whore didn't even notice! He swished into the back of the room just as Mr. Tucker came in. He didn't even glance at Edward once.

-----

Edward tugged on his hair, his headache becoming consistently worse. He saw lights in his vision and felt choked. Maybe it was because he was lying on the cafeteria bench, staring up at the artificial light and breathing in oily, dusty cafeteria air.

He hoisted himself off the bench to stare at Ling, who was going through the food he got from his second trip to the line. He stopped eating for a second and smiled at Edward through a mouthful of baked beans and rice, then resumed stuffing himself. Edward wondered absently how he stayed so fit.

He closed his eyes and willed the headache away. Away... away.... away.... who was making that racket? He could hear girlish screaming and shrieking and random fast babbling complete with hysterical laughter at consistent intervals. The cafeteria door slammed open and he turned around to look.

Anne walked in with another girl, both laughing hysterically and randomly pointing at random people. The other girl wore all black, reminding him of Envy, and her turquoise hair brushed her shoulder gently. She waved her arms around, narrowly missing hitting someone with a big black leather bag (which stored the crystal ball, Edward thought). Anne pulled her along, and Edward watched her pitch forward onto the seat next to him.

"Eep!!" the girl crashed into the seat, her legs sticking out awkwardly. Anne rolled her eyes and helped her up.

"And so you're Edward? Hi, nice to meet you." the girl said breathlessly, one hand on her chest.

Edward noticed that she had drawn black eye-liner all over her eyes, making them seem bigger and her pupils much more noticeable. She waved her hand around and made her bangles jingle.

"I stick a hand out at you, and you hold it, shake, let go. Okay?" She shoved her face into Edward's, the aura surrounding her becoming exceptionally sinister.

Edward gulped. "Yes, ma'am." He took her hand and shook. The aura was replaced with one of matchless euphoria.

"Great, I'm Nike Discordia, Nike: as in Victory in Greek; Discordia: Italian for discord, you can call me Nike, but just in case you're wondering, these-" she stuck her boot-clad leg at him, "are Doc Martens. Hey, so are yours!"

She grinned at him again, and Edward felt an overwhelming sense of TMI (1). This completely weird, no wait, scratch that, _idiosyncratic_ girl had just come up to him and messed around with his head.

Anne took his shoulders gently and eased him back into the bench. He hadn't even noticed he had jumped up and tried to run away.

"Edward, sit down. We're not done yet."

He grit his teeth and turned back to the Girl In Black. She was busily checking her bag and muttering to herself. Finally, she pulled out a thick book and slammed it into the remains of Ling's lunch. Ling himself had mysteriously vanished. Edward cursed.

"Okay, so as far as I know, and mostly because Anne told me, you're gay and in denial." she settled down into Ling's seat, right across Edward.

"I. AM. NOT. GAY!!" he spluttered, quickly turning a deep shade of red.

Nike and Anne exchanged quick nods. Edward suddenly didn't feel very smart, because he had just given them all the proof they needed.

"Thou thinks doth protests too much..." they chirped in unison, Anne doing the victory gesture and Nike flipping through her book. Edward sighed, ran a hand through his hair and surrendered. The faster he got this over with, the better.

"Hmm... Let's see, gay, gay, denial--"

"I told you I am NOT gay!"

Anne stopped prying open the lollipop wrapper and stared at Edward, long and hard.

"Ed, you're about as straight as cooked spaghetti."

Edward chose not to reply.

-----

Roy sighed into his lunch. Today he chose a simple steamed bun and two slices of bacon. He wished it had been two steamed buns instead. Damn him and his pervertedness.

His line of thought drifted over to the woman-who was she? Envy's girlfriend? He always thought he was gay. Mother? No, she's too young. Or rather, too proud. Sister...? Possibly. Damn, if he wants to get her he needs to be nice to her little brother. Talk about being caught between a rock and a hard place.

And speak of the devil, there he is. Okay, okay, breathe in, breathe out. You can do this, Mustang. Smile, smile, smile-

Fuck. He could feel his smile twitch slightly. Envy was staring at him, his face scrunched up and mouth hanging open.

"Oh my god, Mustang, that's gross!! Fuck it, stop staring at me!"

Roy dropped the act completely and transformed his face into an impassive look.

"Shit, and when I try to be nice to you too. Damn you, freak."

Envy's eye twitched.

-----

It is a truth universally acknowledged that the cafeteria is the best place to fight, especially between a man-whore and a psychotic teen from Mars.

By the time the teachers had arrived, the cafeteria had became a place of major food waste.

The children in Africa must be crying their hearts out, if they aren't already.

Envy and Roy were sentenced to two week's worth of detention in the same room.

How can the authority actually expect the two boys to behave in a cramped, small classroom when they've seen the obvious amount of destruction they could create in less than ten minutes? Edward shook his head in amazement and tried to shake the ketchup out of his hair. The smart, casualty-free thing to do was to separate them forever.

Nike grumbled and brushed the remains of Ling's lunch off her tight skirt and hardcover. Edward sneaked a look at the title that read: The Secrets To All Secrets Revealed by C. Kretes. He could've killed himself.

Nike was complaining and whining into Anne's ear (and Edward's) while she checked the pages of her book. Anne herself was grinning maniacally and laughing at something. Probably something that has to do with tuna fish.

Edward quickly slipped unnoticed into the nearest W.C. He stuck his head under the tap and let the water wash away the remains of the ketchup. Now, if by any chance there was shampoo lying around...

The door opened and Edward came face-to-face to the boy of his dreams--no, dammit!! The boy of his nightmares, yes, that sounded much better.

Envy blinked a couple of times at the wet-haired Edward (who looked like he was about to cry) and burst into peals of crazy laughter.

Edward pouted in the most manly way. When Envy had snickered to his heart's content, he grin and looked back at Edward.

Who still had dripping wet hair.

"You look good with your hair down."

Edward's eyes widened, his heart thumping loudly, and he automatically stepped back when Envy took a step closer to him.

"It makes you look like a girl."

His heart was still beating loudly, but now he was just damned offended.

Envy was enraptured by the glinting, golden hair (it reminded him of Goldilocks) and the drips of water just made the whole thing much more sensual...

...Thing? There was no thing!!

Envy snapped to his senses and looked at the scene before him. Edward was now backed up against the wall, his golden eyes wide open and frozen on Envy's shockingly violet ones. His lips were slightly open and he could feel hot breath upon his own lips. It was only then he noticed how incredibly close they were. Envy had pinned both of Edward's hands on the wall, and one of Envy's thigh was invading Edward's personal space. If he leaned forward just a little bit more...

The rational part of his brain said, 'Envy, you can't do this, not even if you're a psychologically insane kid.' The irrational part of his brain said, 'Holy fuck he looks hot!!'

Envy never was good at listening to his rational side.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Phew! I got it finished! Finally, thanks for waiting, everyone!!

(1)-TMI: Too much information

Oh any there will be no Naruto characters in this fic because the poll demands it. The results follow:

Yes-1

No-2

I don't care, it's your story-2

So... nope, no SasuNaru goodness.

Don't worry, there'll be lots of Edvyness coming up. -^^-

Ps. Do you guys like the OC? (Anne and Nike, if you hadn't noticed) Want more LingEd?

REVIEW!! XDD


	8. Thou Hast No Faith In Crystal Balls

**A/N:** A big hug to all those who reviewed, subscribed and favorited!! *gives virtual cookies* This chapter will be about the detention, but I'm kind of afraid things move a bit too fast... Well, I'm already on chapter eight (OMG GASP!!) and they've only had their first kiss... Okay, I'm putting the fan service in. (Wow I convinced myself. :DD) Enjoy!! Also, this chapter is slightly perverted... No thanks to Roy. Ps. Go listen to 'Better' by Boyzone. You'll understand when you get to the lyrics. **A/N end**

PS!!! Please go read my newest one-shot Want A Mint? because I owe all you lovely readers A HUGE SORRY AND THANK YOU!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

**NOTE: Since I have limited computer time, updates might be far and few in between... Please don't hate me!!**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Envy looked pointedly away from the raven haired boy sitting at the opposite end of the room. The atmosphere was tense, the silence was deafening. Envy glanced at the clock. Ten minutes. He grit his teeth. This is taking a long time. He pushed a hand through his hair and sighed. Might as well sleep.

Roy exhaled loudly through his nose. Looks like sucking up to Envy failed. He'll have to think of another way to get his Busty Lusty. (1) He drooled for a while, thinking of all the things he could do if--_when_ he got his hands on that curvaceous body of hers. Then he wiped the drool away and resumed his flirting with the detention supervisor. She was, after all, a woman.

-----

Edward followed the two girls warily. Heaven knows what they had up their sleeves. A pair of chopsticks, maybe. Or maybe that hardcover book. He shuddered slightly.

He was not looking forward to the fortune telling. Which, he reminded himself, he didn't want in the first place.

Unless it could explain the Kiss.

He smacked himself on the head and earned strange looks from passing students. Surprisingly, the two girls hadn't even looked back. They were maneuvering through the crowds with amazing skill with their heads stuck in a book. He wondered absently how many books that weirdo girl with the scary hair color had on her. Probably she developed a shrinking ray thing to shrink them all into pocket size. There's no way she could carry four paperbacks and a humongous hardcover _and_ a crystal ball in that bag of hers.

Then he remember what he was thinking about and smacked his head again.

See, he had the INCIDENT with another boy's lips in _capitals_. Only important stuff was ever in capitals. Like Alphonse, or Mom, or Bastard Dad and Physics. Not the Kiss.

The Kiss did not count. It didn't matter. He should forget the whole thing.

Only he couldn't. His mind would unwillingly drift into the unexplored part of his brain--the 'Romance'. He cringed a little. That's not good. Not good at all. But he was spared from thinking further due to a heavy smack to his very abused head.

"YO SHORTY!!"

Well that got his attention. He turned around and formed interesting sentences in his head before trying to scream them as loud as he could. This was stopped by the stuffing of a banana into his mouth, which also resulted in his curling up on the floor choking and thanking his gag reflex for the pull back from the edge of oxygen-deprived death.

"We're not supposed to be here. So don't make any noise." Edward noticed that they were on the roof. He settled himself onto the gravel by the door and stared up at the girls.

"Well?"

Anne sat by him and watched silently as Nike pulled out her crystal ball. She placed the crystal ball in front of Edward and asked him to stare at it. He did, and the only thought that passed through his head was, 'This is stupid.'

"How do you know it's stupid?"

Edward snapped his head up and gaped at Nike. Her eyes have turned a darker black (or maybe that was just the shadow...?) and her voice lower. Did he just say that out loud...?

"No, you didn't say it out loud."

Huh. That's interesting. Can she read minds?

"Nope, I'm just a normal human being."

...She doesn't look very normal...

"Just a bit more interesting than regular people."

This has to stop.

"I agree with you. If we didn't, this would go on for more than an hour. And I need to get home by six."

"What the hell?"

Anne pulled the lollipop out of her mouth and glanced lazily at the blond, who was looking rather panicked.

"Aww, don't be afraid, Edo-kun. It's a simple matter of psychological 'mind-reading'. You see, most people think that crystal balls are silly things so they'll have this skeptical look on their faces. Then Nike can surprise them by telling them something they're thinking because it shows on their faces and the conversati-" Anne never got to finish her sentence and was left alone to try to remove her chopstick from her arm.

Nike dragged Edward to another corner and stared at the crystal ball. Soon, she started to speak.

"What does the color yellow remind you of?"

"...My hair." (That vain, vain streak...)

"Okay, blue?"

"The sky."

"Purple."

"Envy's eyes."

"Green."

"Envy's hair."

"Black?"

"Envy's clo-- WHAT THE HELL?!"

Nike raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"YOU DRUGGED ME!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK, YOU EVIL EVIL PERSON?!!"

"Nothing."

"BULLSHIT NOTHING!! IF YOU DIDN'T I WOULDN'T HAVE SPILLED IT ALL--"

"Note that he's not denying it, just confirming he spilled his not-so-secret secret~" came Anne's voice from somewhere around the corner.

"YOU- ARGH!!" Edward screamed in frustration, brain going into overload. This was going to fast, it wasn't supposed to be like this, he never thought of having a girlfriend _or_ boyfriend, less alone someone he met three days ago who also has an unexplainable rage for him.

He slammed open the door and sprinted down the stairs, not caring where he went.

"Wait!! Be careful of cats!" Nike cried, her voice getting softer with every step.

Be careful of cats? What was that supposed to mean? That crazy nuts up there was messing around with his head too much. Edward rounded the corner and ran out the school gates.

-----

Anne held a blood-stained chopstick and stared at the open door. "Huh," was all she said.

Nike rubbed her head thoughtfully. "Never thought it'd go so well."

"What?" Anne shot her a scandalized look. "You scared him away!"

"Yes, but he also confirmed that he's got feelings for Envy." replied a very satisfied Nike.

Anne blinked and broke into a creepy smile. "Things will be much more fun now..."

The two of them started cackling evilly, effectively scaring away passing UFOs and once again saving the world from would-be disasters.

-----

Edward, who was being slightly more paranoid than normal, ran past the detention room without the passing thought that maybe he could sneak a peek at Envy. Despite the fact that Envy is root of all him problems, he still liked looking at him... Not that he'll ever tell him that, no way.

And thus we have to depart from our favorite shortie and leave him alone to lose sleep over his new-found sexuality. On the other hand, we can witness our favorite palm tree battle it out with the Flaming Pony... who does NOT deserve Edward since he's like, ten years older. Which, by the way, has nothing to do with the story and I'm unnecessarily making Roy-shippers hate me. Yeah. Moving on.

Envy cracked his knuckles. The detention supervisor had slipped out to get some coffee, so the room was empty, save for the two of them. The tension was incredible.

"So." Roy broke the awkward silence. Envy himself did nothing to prolong the conversation.

"Is Lust any way related to you?" Straight to the point. That should work.

Envy sat up straighter and crossed his arms over his chest, reminding Roy scarily of his newest wet-dream image. (2)

"What's it to you?" Rude. That _will_ work.

Roy felt his jaw twitch involuntarily.

"Can't you say something nice for once?"

"What, to you? That would be a waste of words."

Roy snapped his fingers. "Okay, that's enough bullshit I'm taking from you."

"Bullshit? The only thing I smell around here is horse manure." Envy pinched his nose, waving away the imaginary stench.

The next thing he waved around was his fist.

-----

The teachers rushed in when they heard the unmistakable sound of tinkling glass. And shouting. And yelling and profanities in many colorful languages with a background of cracking wood. The sight that met their eyes was worse than what they expected. Slightly. They hadn't counted on the blackboard being impressively broken in half. Tables were overturned, chairs were smashed against the walls, and the two boys were throwing each other around amid bits of destroyed desks and splintered chairs.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF JESUS ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"

Both Envy and Roy instantly ceased their squabble at the sound of Izumi Curtis's voice. She was renowned for being the toughest, meanest teacher in school, just short of being a bully. Envy had to fight the absurd notion of saluting. Roy looked to be in the same position, with a pained look on his face and the twitching of his fingers. Oh, that was because Envy had his foot planted _very_ firmly on it. Truth be told, he wasn't sorry.

"Get your foot off Mr. Mustang's hand, Mr. Envy." she ground out through her teeth. Her dreadlocks swayed around her like Medusa, while she glared down the green-haired teen.

Uh, okay, now he was a _little_ sorry he had stepped on Roy's foot.

Envy reluctantly lifted his foot off Roy's hand, but not before squishing it a little more. Roy winced, and unfortunately Izumi caught the unnecessary twist of his ankle.

"MR. ENVY OROUBUS!! SUSPENSION FOR THREE DAYS!!"

Suspension? Did his ears fail him? That wasn't punishment, that was a reward! Three days of no school, he could go to the cinema and catch the few latest movies, get some games, oh, and he needed to buy some new clothes. Izumi saw the look of glee (which he was trying _very hard_ to hide) on his face and gave him a grim smile.

"On other hand, no suspension for you. You will be cleaning the boy's toilet for a week."

Izumi ignored Envy cry of protest and turned to Roy.

"While you, Mister," Izumi pointed an accusing finger at Roy, who had a look of horror on his face. "_You_ will be in charge of overseeing the science lab."

Oh. That wasn't too bad. Izumi noticed the look of relief flooding the young man's face.

"Don't think you've got off lightly, Mr. Mustang. I'll be reporting to your parents about your unacceptable behavior."

Roy's face paled and was just short of begging Izumi to keep her trap shut.

Izumi stood her ground and allowed the begging of the two boys bounce off her. She was Head Disciplinary Teacher for a reason.

She turned on her heel and smirked in satisfaction at the chorus of 'Yes, ma'am.'s from the sorry excuse of a detention room.

-----

Edward Elric arrived at school with an overflowing emotional overload. The kind of day where you suddenly decide that 'shit happens' and be scarily out of character. The kind of day where you hide your dread of fortune telling behind a mask of forced laughter and unnecessary insulting. The kind of day where you'd do anything to avoid the horror hounding you. The kind of day where you understand what a certain short blondie is going through.

"Naah, Biology is a piece of cake. But honestly, Mr Tucker, you are an exceptionally bad teacher."

Mr Tucker froze in place, then turned around ever so slowly with a maniac grin stuck on his face. The students were all silently willing Edward to _please shut up_, but he continued, oblivious to the crazy look Mr Tucker was sending him.

"Seriously, he doesn't even teach half of the time! How did he ever become a teacher in the first place, I wonder..."

Ling was trying to communicate with Edward with his eyes, but that wasn't much of a success due to Ling having small squinty eyes and Edward not really knowing his mouth was running in the most incorrect direction ever and ignoring Ling. For the most part.

"I mean, honestly--What's wrong with you, Ling? Why is your eye twitching like that?"

"...Uhm, Mr Tucker! Are you okay? Uhh... Do you need a textbook? Here, borrow mine. I can share with Edward." Fake laughter. Edward just stared at Ling weirdly.

"What are you talking about--Oh, hi... Mr Tucker... Didn't... Didn't see you there... Uhm..." This time, Edward's slightly hysterical high-pitched giggle pierced the silence of the room.

Mr Tucker's eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

-----

"What the hell!! How did I get detention?" roared the furious shrimp as he slammed his book bag down on the table. Ran Fan ignored him and fed Ling some noodles while Scar said something along the lines of 'you reap what you sow', which didn't make much sense, really, since there wasn't much empty space to plant anything.

"Man, I wish I skipped today! It's just bad luck, worse luck and worst luck! It's like I'm... I'm _cursed_ or something!"

"Cursed, or just paranoid about a certain palm tree...?" cool breath tickled Edward's cochlea and he shrieked.

Anne just smiled and sat opposite him, pointedly eating her home-packed lunch of mac 'n' cheese and ignoring the Elric Glare Of Doom™, which of course doesn't match up to the Uchiha Glare Of Doom™, both of which Anne had received and survived.

"So I heard you have detention, Ed?"

Edward grunted and muttered, "And isn't this all your fault."

Anne frowned slightly. "It's not nice to blame others, Edo. Else I'll have Scar bring the Cat around next time."

Edward's eyes widened. Sure, he didn't believe fortune telling and what not, but hadn't Nike specifically asked him to 'beware of cats'? He wasn't taking the chance, oh no, he wasn't.

"No, no, no!! There's no need for nasty felines here, is there?" he said hastily, a mite too hasty, in fact.

Ling stopped eating (a rare thing) and turned to his friend, slightly concerned. "You okay, dude? You haven't got a fever, have you?" he said, and slapped his palm onto Edward's forehead.

"Ow! Hey..."

"Nope, you're feeling fine. C'mon, what's up?"

Edward gulped and looked away from the stares his friends were giving him. He couldn't tell, since he wasn't really sure what was going on, anyway. But maybe they could help?

"It's nothing, forget it. I'm going to the library." He stood up abruptly, and tuned out his friend's whines and complaints about missing a drama.

Damn, he have to find Al and tell him he'd be late... Since he has detention and everything. He sighed. There goes his perfect record... No thanks to that psychopathic palm tree.

-----

Envy bored holes into the battered wall and snarled. The boy's toilet was disgusting, to be perfectly frank. What, didn't these guys know how to aim? Apparently not, he thought, as he let loose a large jet of water onto a puddle of yellow liquid (which he hoped was coloring, even though the possibility of it being that was close to zero).

Okay, so now Izumi was on his black list... Permanently. Stupid scary woman...

He washed his hands (thrice) and scrubbed his hands vigorously. He wasn't leaving without a pair of sparkly clean (albeit slightly prune-y) hands or until the soap was all finished. Whichever came first.

Oh... he still had detention. Gaah. Envy felt like connecting his head to the wall, but he wasn't going to risk _his_ glorious hair on that heaven-knows-what's-stuck-there slab of concrete.

Still, he wasn't going to risk it. He'll go to detention, sit there and hopefully freak a few teachers out and maybe do some homework.

...Just because he didn't give a shit about school doesn't mean he doesn't give a shit about passing grades. Dante was scarier than him.

He slammed open the detention room (which _still_ wasn't cleaned up) and lo and behold--

"Envy? What are you doing here?"

--why in the name of the good god was that little blond-haired shrimp here?

"Detention, shorty. I thought you were a genius or something like that."

"Hey!! Don't call me short!"

"Oh please. You're short enough."

"YOU--ARGH!!!" Edward buried his head in his arms and hissed unintelligible curses at Envy.

Envy turned a deaf ear to the growling and snarling and looked around the destroyed room.

"Hey, where's the Flaming Pony?"

"Flaming... Pony...?"

Envy raised an eyebrow. "What, so you don't know? Mustang, pony... He's also an obsessive pyromaniac, didn't you know that? Hence 'Flaming Pony'."

"Obsessive pyromaniac? What, he's into lighters? Does he smoke?"

"Lighters are small stuff for him. And no, he doesn't smoke, but once he set the school alight."

"He set the school alight." Edward echoed dumbly.

"Well, he only succeeded in setting alight the west wing, since the fire brigade arrived before the fire could spread."

"He set alight the west wing."

Envy glanced at Edward out of the corner of his eye. He looked shocked, disappointed, incredulous--Why?

Envy suddenly felt a sour feeling wash over him.

"What's he to you, Edo?"

"I--What? He's just--" Edward spluttered, going red, but that was enough for the sourness in Envy's heart turn solid.

"You _do_ know he's a boob-person, don't know? And he's currently lusting after my sister."

"I--don't--What are you imply-- MFF-!!"

When the teacher arrived, he was in for a sight. Tables were overturned, chairs were smashed against the walls, and the two boys were eating each other's face amid bits of destroyed desks and splintered chairs.

He exited quietly, even though he didn't actually need to, since the two boys making out were noisy enough, and went back into the teacher's lounge.

He went home a great deal poorer.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Busty Lusty - Ha!! I've been itching to use this for the past chapters!! XDD Naughty Roy.

...If you can't understand this means 'Lust', then I either have horrible writing skills or you have selective reading disabilities.

TINYNHS chapter 8!! Hope you have enjoyed, and look forward to chapter 9... I am so mean. CLIFFIE!! MUAHAHAHA.

The Cat will appear in the next few chapters. If you've got any ideas involving Ed, Envy and Cat, send it in! I'll give credit where credit is due. :DD

Oh, and if I'm M.I.A. for weeks, it's because I have no internet (I'm _still_ griping about this...) and my dad is an evil mean person! D:( But thank god for Starbucks and their WiFi! (sobs)

Ja!


	9. Thou Shalt Listen When Told To

**A/N:** I should so die for the terrible wait I've put all of you through. I know it's terribly, terribly late. I also know I should be studying for my exams. In fact, if I remember correctly, I'm in the middle of a rather important final. Ugh. But enough of unhappy stuff and let's move on to happier stuff--EDVY!! *squeals*

Again, I apologize for the long wait. I had been caught on the SasuNaru wagon for much longer than expected. D: But now that I'm back, look forward to more frequent updates! (Then again, I myself am hoping I can keep that promise...) Enjoy! **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Edward Elric was a very confused boy.

He was also deep in thought.

Being deep in thought and trying to maneuver through the hustle and bustle of the city streets is not a very smart idea, unless you have the skill to do so or incredible luck.

Edward Elric had neither. In the 15 minutes it had gotten him to walk home to his poky little flat, he had been nearly run over by 4 cars, one truck and two homicidal maniacs on tricycles.

He was also missing his book bag, but that wasn't important. He could always rush his homework the next morning.

Alphonse had informed him that he was having dinner with Wrath--apparently they were such good friends that Wrath had invited him over for a sleepover, this time without Alphonse being out cold.

Which meant that Edward would be eating dinner alone.

Oh damn.

He hesitated a while, debating whether to risk his cooking skills or going out for some edible food.

The choice wasn't hard.

------

Over a delightful dinner of chinese pork ribs, Edward contemplated the very confusing ENVY, who was, by the way, plaguing his mind. He mused over how Envy had gotten him to do things he'd never believe himself to be able to do. Kissing.

Well, sure, he's thought of kissing Winry before. But seeing how she always gave him a concussion whenever he visited after being M.I.A. for a few days got him thinking.

He wasn't sure he wanted such a violent clingy girlfriend.

Violent may be okay. He could live with that. But clingy...

He shuddered, suddenly remembering Roy's idle hands.

Edward stabbed his shiny fork into his now cooled pork ribs, drawing a few unhappy looks from the waitresses.

Well, screw them all. He wanted to eat, then maybe beat something up.

-----

Envy sighed and massaged his ribs. His injury after fighting those thugs (and being rescued by a midget, not that he wanted to be reminded of) was pushed far faaaar into the back of his mind, and instead the Kiss(es) now occupied his thoughts.

What, exactly, had happened in the one week that Edward had come barging on into his life and turned it upside down?

First he hated the blond for not much reason at all. Oh, he woke him up when he had a pounding headache. Now he remembers.

Then he really hated the kid because he needed to be saved by him--and that was only because he was sick. Damn Lust. Damn damn damn Lust.

And now... Envy sighed again and buried his face into the pillow, wincing slightly at the pressure on his sore ribs.

They had shared a kiss. Twice, actually.

The first was when Envy had walked in on Goldilocks brushing his hair out. (Yes, I made a not funny funny. Kill me now.) The evil genius seduced him!!

The second was just plain unexpected. The last thing he remembered was washing the toilets--entering the detention room--getting jea- Uh, unhappy-- and then suddenly they were making out.

Whatever happened in the middle, he didn't know. So that means--

"OHMYGOD!!! I'M BEING DRUGGED!!"

Envy shrieked, jolting up suddenly and hissed in pain as his chest muscles clenched abruptly.

Sloth burst into the room at Envy's hysterical yell with Lust close at her heels. Not that Sloth wore heels, she's more a pumps person.

"ENVY!! YOU'RE BEING DRUGGED?? WE NEED TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL NOW! LUST, CALL 999, WRATH!! GET YOUR LAZY BUTT DOWN HERE AND START MY CAR! ENVY NEEDS TO-"

Envy had slapped his hand onto Sloth's hand to prevent her from finishing her sentence. Not that Envy was worried Wrath would ignore his friend to bring him to the hospital. He wouldn't. Envy had distinctly heard suspicious sounds coming from the floor above him. Very suspicious sounds.

Sounds that sounded like moans and breathy versions of 'Don't stop!' or 'Faster!'.

Of course, this is Envy we're talking about, and he is a closet pervert. Not that Wrath and Alphonse were doing anything innocent. Of course, if I elaborate, the story will get off track and I'll be pelted with tomatoes. I like tomatoes. As long as they're not on me.

Sloth has pinned Envy onto the bed and demanded an apology. Envy apologized. Then Lust had burst out laughing and stumbled out of the room clutching her sides. Envy glared and Sloth stared.

After pushing Sloth out of his room and assuring her that no, he was not being drugged, he was just being random, Envy flopped onto his bed and sighed. Again.

He should stop sighing, the habit was rather unbecoming.

He'll think about this... problem... tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow was good.

He closed his eyes and fell into an exhausted sleep.

-----

Edward woke up in the morning determined to pay no heed to the demented palm tree. His thoughts were clearer after a surprisingly refreshing sleep.

Problems= bad.

No problems= good.

Ignore problem= acceptable.

Ignore problem and problem goes away= very good.

And just like that, he felt much, much lighter. So light, in fact, that he would seem to float off the floor if he didn't have his automail weighing him down.

He whistled a happy tune as he got ready for school.

------

It seems that fate wasn't really being kind to him, despite his firm resolution. Or maybe _because_ of his firm resolution. Huh. Having forgotten that Al wasn't around, thus forcing him to prepare breakfast for himself when waking up late promised being late. Edward didn't like to be late. It made him unprofessional.

As he ran to school with him trying unsuccessfully to button up his shirt while hurrying, he was grabbed from behind forcefully.

He squealed, feeling his legs leave the ground, and his butt making contact with leather. He felt powerful engines purring beneath him, and that smell--

Instantly he knew that fate was reaaaally being a bitch. He swallowed and looked up hesitantly.

"Hello, chibi."

-----

Anne was feeling happy. Apparently something had happened during detention yesterday, and she was looking forward to interrogating--er, asking Edward nicely about the details.

How deeeeeelightful.

She couldn't help herself and squealed in excitement, drawing strange looks from passersby.

She glanced at her watched and quickened her pace. School was starting, and she had a feeling that she really didn't want to miss school today.

-----

The drama started the minute Envy drove his big-ass bike into school. Edward was squished between the handlebars and Envy. In fact, he was so squished his face was buried in Envy's chest. And Envy didn't really smell that bad... Edward surprised himself by snaking his hands around the taller teen's waist. Envy just smirked.

Envy slid off the bike and Edward followed, shirt still flapping around his bare torso. He was at a loss for words, since hadn't he just promised himself to STAY AWAY FROM THE VERY DANGEROUS BUT VERY GOOD-LOOKING TEEN?? And since when had he labeled Envy as 'good-looking' in his mind anyway?

He was ungracefully brought to earth when he felt slim fingers brush along his naked chest. For the second time that morning, Edward shrieked. Like a girl.

"What-- You!! HANDS!! HANDS!!" he squealed, voice breaking around the second 'HANDS!!!'.

Envy just smirked and continued buttoning up his shirt, deliberately brushing against Edward's nipples.

"See you later in class, chibi." Envy murmured huskily into Edward's ear. "And keep the shirt on, no matter how hot you look without it."

Edward gaped dumb-struck at the teen now strutting into the school as though he hadn't just left a very confused blond at the gates.

Somebody wolf-whistled.

"Well," said Anne finally, and Edward jumped at hearing her voice so close to his ear. "Looks like the game is set."

Edward didn't even ask.

-----

He stumbled into class with half a second left to spare.

Crashing into his usual desk, he gasped a hurried 'Good morning' to the person sitting beside him before grabbing his school bag (with all his homework inside) and hurriedly wrote a few lines of utter crap on the French Revolution.

Which was suddenly jerked out of his grasp.

Edward shrieked (the third time in half and hour, that has got to be a record.) and grasped unsuccessfully at the piece of elusive paper.

"LING!! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO--"

He found himself staring into violet irises, a smirk on the other boy's face.

Edward shrieked for the fourth time in half an hour and three minutes past.

-----

"LING YOU *bleep*ING BASTARD!!"

Edward roared, whacking the eating guy on the back of his head.

Ling choked on his rice, gagged, and inhaled the better part of his orange juice through his nose.

Edward recoiled. "Eew."

Ling wiped his nose with a random tissue.

"So what's up?" Ling turned and grinned up at Edward.

Edward stared.

He was the only guy who could turn around and ask his best friend 'what's up' after choking on his rice, gagging and having the better part of his orange juice inhaled up through his nose. And mainly due to said best friend whacking him on the head, probably just to get the stress out of his system.

Edward eyed the orange juice in the half-empty glass and shook his head. He didn't want to know.

"Where the hell were you this morning, and why was Envy in your seat?"

Ling's eyes widened. "Envy was sitting with you?"

"Yeah." Edward breathed through his nose. "Demented palm tree."

"You called?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

Ling watched in barely concealed amusement at the two idiots before him. This was better than all those soap operas on channel 57!

He grabbed his bowl of rice and continued to eat as he watched Edward try in vain to hit the taller teen, and Envy just pushing Edward's head gently, cackling evilly at the swinging short hands two inches away from his body.

Edward, getting tired of swinging his metal arm (it's _heavy_!) and not hitting anything (it's _heavy_.), stopped and settled for glaring.

If I have to remind you, the Elric Glare Of Doom™ isn't very effective. In fact, on a scale of one to ten, it busts an all time low of -38. Especially when said user of Elric Glare Of Doom™ has just plain unhappy about something and not really pissed off. If user is really pissed off for some unfathomable reason (usually hell freezing over), effectiveness rate is raised to 3. But by then most people would have keeled over by the terror that is the Uchiha Glare Of Doom™ so there really isn't much point to do so.

Envy chuckled and let go of Edward. Instead of leaving, however, he pulled the blond into an embrace. A hush fell over the cafeteria.

Two days ago they were beating the crap out of each other. Now the were... hugging?

Girls shrieked (they, being girls, had the benefit of being allowed to shriek) and boys hollered. The school was in an uproar, and it wasn't a happy one.

'Well this isn't good.' was the one thing Edward remembered thinking before being crushed to the floor.

-----

Edward escaped without much butt hurt, but he wasn't sure about the others. Ling was laughing the last time he saw him, Scar was strangely absent, Ran Fan had left to get more food, Russell wasn't around and Anne too, was absent.

That cat he found had flicked its tail and marched up the stairs, waving its butt at Edward to have him follow. Edward obliged. Despite whatever he said, he was still grudgingly frightened of the cat. Not that he'd tell anyone the was scared of a _feline_. And heaven knows what it'd do if Edward didn't do as it said.

Deciding that facing said cat's wrath was scarier than facing a mob of angry teens on drugs, Edward followed the cat up the stairs.

At the fourth landing, he was wondering _how many bloody floor does this place have?_ when he bumped his head into the cat's butt.

Edward scowled and rubbed his cowlick.

Then he noticed that he was now at the roof--the cat had led him up the roof.

If he wasn't safe here, he wasn't safe anywhere, Edward mused, and pushed the door open.

He hastily swallowed his fifth shriek (in a day) and worked himself up into a coughing fit.

Nike had told him to 'beware of cats', didn't she? Why why why did he NOT listen?

The cat strutted calmly up to the other person on the roof, his legs dangling between the bars.

"Minimo? What're you doing here? How did you get up here?" Envy sounded genuinely surprised, but Edward wouldn't put it past him to be a good actor too. Besides being a pervert.

Envy glanced up and caught Edward's gaze. His jaw-drop turned into a feral grin.

"Hello chibi. Looking for me?"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

YES!! IT'S FINISHED!! The chapter, I mean. *laughs*

Finally, huh? Okay, okay, I know that you guys are probably pissed at me, but I swear, the next chapter will be up much sooner! (I have everything planned out, whee~!)

Please review, people! I want to know that my fic is still being read! D:

I'd love you all the more if you did. 8D

Ps. There IS a reason for Envy to act like he is. The inner workings of his psychopathic mind will be brought to light next chapter. And that, my friends, is a very very very big hint. :3


	10. Thou Believes Thy Angel Is Ye Devil

**A/N:** Okay, I'm sorry. I said it'd be up in a week. I lied. Kill me now. I have less than a week 'till my extremely important exams (two of 'em, how evil.) and then after that I'll be going to Hong Kong for five days, and then I'm coming back for a photo shooting session. I AM COSPLAYING YOUNG SASUKE, BACK WHEN HE WASN'T EMO OR SNAKE-OBSESSED. Yay. Now I'll continue with my writing and you guys can condemn me to hell after finishing, and reviewing, this chapter. Thanks! **A/N end**

PS. I AM SORRY FOR CHANGING THE SUMMARY SO OFTEN! I just can't seem to find one that suits, though I think I'll be sticking with this one for the time being. Let me know what you guys think!

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Envy had thought it out with cold, calm precision. He had used the better part of the night first analyzing, then blaming, and finally schemed for revenge.

And this is what he came out with.

_Once upon a time there lived a beautiful boy with long green hair. His name was Envy, and sure enough, he was the envy of most guys (and girls) of his school. And because they envied him for his ridiculously good looks, they shunned him and didn't want to be his friend. His greatest rival is Roy Mustang, an evil incarnation of a horse-spirit with a penchant for fire. Envy hoped that one day he'd have barbecued horse meat for dinner._

_Suddenly, after a wonderful winter break, he was again forced to go to Hell by his evil mother Dante, who, despite popular belief, did _not_ give him her good looks, because honestly, she's shit ugly. He was getting ready to let the days pass by with a blur, when a flash of blond and a loud pair of lungs denied him of his sleep. Enter Edward Elric, stage left. He came him with his golden hair and disturbingly bright golden eyes and swept people off their feet with their charming smile. To them, he was an angle. But Envy knew better. Because angels were always misunderstood, which was why he was one, and not that golden boy, because angels knew better._

_Out of the blue he gets into a tight spot which, being the angel he is, he would have to tolerate and then have bad deeds kick the assholes back in the face again. Then devil spawn Edward Elric came whooshing down like superman, only shorter and without the embarrassing red underwear, to save him. Glittering to all the other people around him, Envy knew that this was a test from God which he had to endure, being one of God's angels and all, it was only a matter of time before one of Devil's Spawns came and mocked him. Edward Elric was that spawn, all right. No doubt about it. And he was doing a _very_ good job mocking him._

_Not only was he mocking him, now he was seducing him too!! The trick with the long hair with sexy water droplets in his lashes--did he think that Envy didn't see through that trick? And then he must've upped the notch on the seducing in the detention room, because that was the only thing he remembered, honest to god, the kissing._

_Envy the Angel had had it with being toyed with. It was time to show Edward fucking Elric that he wasn't no fucking angel to be bullied and at the same time, prove to everyone that Elric is a fucking 'tard and a devil. That'll show him._

_Edward had seduced him, tricking him into kissing him twice--now it was time to fight fire with fire, to turn it the other way around, to have the angel seducing the devil and then drop the devil where he belongs--Hell._

The alarm clock rang, and violet eyes shot open. For the first time ever, Envy was looking forward to school--and a certain golden haired chibi...

-----

Fate had been kind to Envy, allowing him to put his plan into action the very minute he got out of the Monster Mansion. Wrath had decided to walk to school with his new boyfriend... Apparently he had rolled out of bed in the middle of the night and landed on his bum, which was why he was sore and limping. Alphonse just smiled. Envy did not believe him.

He roared down the street, narrowly avoiding old grandmas', carrying their groceries home. He skidded around a corner and couldn't contain his smirk when he saw the Target.

Fate loved him today.

-----

And now said Target was cornered. Between his hands. With a look of pure terror on his face. His uke. So cute.

...Envy frowned slightly. Did he just say 'cute'?

Edward cocked his head, not so much terror on his face now.

Envy flushed suddenly, and screamed at his inner thoughts for using 'Edward' and 'cock' in the same sentence.

Edward inched down slowly, seeing a chance and slipped through Envy's arms.

Envy blinked, recovering from his distraction, to find his delectable blond nowhere to be seen.

"SHIT!"

The wall cracked under Envy's fist, and Minimo scowled angrily at Envy, unhappy about the violence. Then she dragged her tongue across Envy's bleeding, cracked knuckles in what would be an affectionate manner, if not for the fact that cat tongues are as rough as sandpaper.

It was the first time ever that Envy had fell sobbing and begging at the foot of another creature, human or not.

-----

Edward sprinted down the staircase, heart still thumping from before. He rounded a corner and crashed into someone.

He landed hard on the tiled floor, and looked up to see Nike still standing where she was, chewing bubble gum, unfazed. He scowled.

Then he blinked.

This time she was reading a thick paperback entitled 'A Guide To 1n+3rn3+ #4(k1nG 4 n00b$', written by somebody called 133+ #4(k0rz.

Edward felt his head spin.

Then Nike looked up from her book, and popped her gum.

"Hey. What'cha doing here?"

-----

Anne hurried past the angry mob of heterosexual teenagers, who were destroying the school lockers and ripping broom closet doors off their hinges.

Grabbing Ling, who clutched desperately at his bag of chips, she hauled him into an empty classroom, ducking down so their silhouettes wouldn't be noticed through the glass.

After making sure the mob has gone, she sat across Ling, a grim look on her face.

"Edward's in trouble. And I think you need to help him."

-----

"Damn," Envy grumbled under his breath, cradling his bleeding knuckles. Thank goodness he used his left hand, so he could still write a letter of complaint and hopefully get Edward sued.

He ducked into the restroom, completely forgetting the fact that most of the kids in school was out for his blood since he hugged Edward- in public.

He froze when he felt stares. Looking up, all he saw was angry glares.

OH SHI-

-----

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE??"

Nike raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, I don't know. Reading, I guess."

"DON'T YOU HAVE SCHOOL TO GO TO?"

Nike shrugged. "Maybe. I'm not sure. Would this be my school?"

Edward sagged. "You... are insufferable." he muttered at last.

Nike shrugged again. "Yeah, you could say that. I mean, Anne always sort of tune me out whenever I'm talking, so yeah. I suppose so. Hey, did you know that Edward Cullen sparkles? How retarded is that, huh? And you guys share the same name! Do you sparkle under the sun? Oh, your automail does, so I guess it's alright then. He's a vampire. Are you a vampire? Can I see your fangs? Open you mouth, lemme see-"

Edward backed up when Nike shuffled forward, completely engrossed in seeing his canines.

_GET THAT CRAZED MANIAC AWAY FROM ME!! _his brain screamed. He obeyed.

-----

Ling shuffled forward nervously. _Why this why me why now why him?_

He looked back to see Anne glaring from behind one of the corners, holding up a pair of metal chopsticks that glinted in the sun. He gulped.

Then he took a deep breath and went off to search for Edward.

And when he finds him, he's going to tell he's going to be his boyfriend.

Ling sucked in a deep breath and clenched his hands.

_Please don't let Ran Fan kill me_, he pleaded to every deity known to mankind, and some that he just discovered.

-----

Edward shuffled quickly away from the crazed girl, still rambling on about vampires. He rounded a corner and came face-to-face with a startled Envy, sweat dripping down the sides of his face and the entire football team hot on his heels.

Envy cursed under his breath, and grabbed Edward by the throat, dragging him along for the ride.

Edward choked, but ran anyway.

The mob grew.

-----

Ling jogged through the hallways, pulling off his yellow jacket.

Anne followed a little way behind.

Ling sweated some more.

Anne ate a lollipop.

Ling peered around splintered doors into destroyed classrooms.

Anne broke out into a sushi-fest on her portable mini-sushi-conveyer-belt. (1)

-----

Ironically, Edward found himself up on the roof again. But this time, the EVIL TERROR CAT OF DOOOOOOM was nowhere to be found, and he was thankful for that.

If he hadn't known any better, he'd say Envy also breathed a sigh of relief.

Wasn't the cat his partner-in-crime?

Envy silently closed the door, then put his ear against the key hole. He listened intently for a while, brows furrowed, but soon straightened up.

"Well now, Edo-chan," he grinned at Edward, "Let's have some fun, shall we?"

Edward face-palmed.

-----

"Anne. This can't go on."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm stuck in a broom cupboard with you, and not Ran Fan. She'll kill you, then castrate me. I like my family jewels, thank you very much."

"Well now, how would I know that these hormone-ridden angsty gits would pounce on the closest two people of the opposite and shove them into a broom cupboard because they need heterosexual sex to get rid of homosexual love?"

"...Please no talk about sex. Just... no."

-----

Edward held Envy's hand with his own, intently rewrapping Envy's knuckles.

Suffice to say he saw little point in a clumsily-wrapped ripped piece of cloth. But he saw a _lot_ of point in a cropped top with the bottom half ripped away, giving Envy a whole new edgy look.

And also the shirt now stopped a little past his nipples.

That was an added bonus.

Edward hid behind his bangs and willed himself to not start spurting blood from his nose. Because honestly, that will just kill the mood.

-----

"...you make me dance like a fool

Forget how to breathe

Shine like gold, buzz like a bee

Just the thought of you can drive me wild

Ohh, you make me smile..."

"STOP SINGING!!"

-----

Nike put her book away unhurriedly, brushing her turquoise hair out of her eyes. Now that she was equipped with mad 133+ #4(k0rz skills, she had something she had to do. It was written in her contract, after all.

Now she just had to find that person to do it with her.

-----

"I STILL DON'T HAVE THE REASON

YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME-"

"OY!!"

"Shut up, Ling! I'm doing this for a reason!"

"Get your fucking shoe off my crotch!"

"-CAUSE I DON'T BELIEVE IN YOU, ANYMORE ANYMO-O-O-ORE~"

-----

Envy was vaguely aware off random shouting and off-key singing, but that didn't really matter now, did it? No, he didn't think so either. Because now would be a good time, really. A very good time to set his trap.

But he was oh-so-very comfortable, leaning against Edward like this.

And his hand hurt. Maybe later when his hand didn't hurt this badly.

He also noticed that ever since he'd met Edward he'd been getting hurt real often. He ignored that thought and closed his eyes sleepily.

He'll deal with all other things when he's feeling up to it. But for now...

----

Nike melted into the shadows and glided past hallways quickly and silently. It was a skill she learned from one of those ninja people--she used to visit them weekly, but now she had a different project to work on.

And then she heard the singing.

"-ISOLATION

IS NOT GOOD FOR ME

ISOLATION

I'M SITTING HERE IN A LEMON TREE OH~!"

She wondered why nobody's kill Anne yet. With that horrendous singing, ugh. It should be illegal. But it was useful, since Anne was so loud and honestly, secret gadgets tended of break down when needed the most, not to mention they're hard to get and expensive.

But not completely unattainable.

Jade fingered the lip balm stick in her coat pocket and pulled it out.

Lasers sure came in handy nowadays.

-----

Anne sipped some Coke and waited rather impatiently. Nike was taking too damn slow, and she was running out of songs to sing.

Hmm, Backstreet Boys, maybe?

Or Green Day?

Perhaps My Chemical Romance?

She was just about to break into the chorus of Green Day's 'Holiday' when the broom cupboard swung open slowly. Like those sort of horror movies you see where the murderer/psychotic killer/unknown creepy thing is waiting on the other side and then eerie background music, together with your quickening heartbeat, pounded in your ears.

"Oh. It's just you." Anne pouted, the background music coming to an awkward halt, and the door swung open to reveal Nike in all her black-clad glory, holding a lip balm in her hand. Which was smoking. At the tip.

Ling just stared at the melting mass of metal which was the broom cupboard's lock, until, oh say, 18 seconds ago. He decided not to ask, and questioned his friendship with Anne. He reckoned it wasn't really safe. Rather, it was making his lose a few precious years.

Nike and Anne now had their heads together, discussing something of Great Importance, probably Edward-and-Envy or dinner. Of course, it could be something that is Of Slightly Less Importance, like for instance, global warming and the price of a burger from Burger King. Or he could be wrong on both shots and they could be discussing something mundane, like homework.

Ling shrugged, deciding to slip away when he had the chance.

As it turns out, Nike and Anne were not talking about anything Ling thought they might be discussing, but rather how to break in to the principal's office, seeing as they needed to use the broadcasting system to put their plan into motion.

Anne suggested crawling through the air-circulatory things that happen all the time in spy movies.

Nike suggested picking the lock.

There wasn't much competition to see who's suggestion was used.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

This is not going the way it's supposed to be going. NOT AT ALL. I'm hating myself for this.

(1)- I'd love one of those. Don't question my genius.

The first song was 'Smile' by Uncle Kracker, second is 'Makes Me Wonder' by Maroon 5 and the last is 'Lemon Tree' by Fool's Garden.

Please, people, review! I'm onto my double digit chapters now, so make me happy!

(I never imagined this would become so long... I imagined it ending near say, chapter 9? But no, we're not even up to the climax yet.)

Also, the next chapter will be rather messy. Lots of fly-away passion and violent emotions, so hold on tight!

As I've mentioned in my A/N above, I don't know when else I can write. So don't look for an update say, in a week. But I'll definitely have it up before, say, Christmas. Not to mention I have another Christmas one-shot planned. Funny, I've been writing a year now. My first one-shot was Under the Holly, and that was last year's Christmas fic. *sighs*

What have I been doing with my life?


	11. Thou Shalt Not Be Distracted Maybe

**A/N:** I AM ALIVE!!! Sorry for the late update, I was side-tracked by my cousin sister's wedding and generally holiday stuff. Of course, I try to keep my promises, and I _did_ promise a chapter before Christmas, didn't I? So here it is, and Merry Christmas to all!! Thanks again for pointing out my **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Anne breathed in, then out, allowing herself to cool down. She opened her eyes, dulled with suppressed emotions.

"Would Mr. Edward Elric and Envy please proceed to the Principal's Office. I repeat, would Mr. Edward..."

Her voice was cool, her tone dull. It was a skill she had learned long ago, to sound like a computer-generated voice, but due to her explosive nature, she could only do so when she's calmed down (forcibly) or when there's a extremely serious issue at hand, for instance, sparkly vampires taking over the world.

Nike looked up from her habit of picking her nails with her Swiss knife and then glanced at the door, its lock brutally picked just minutes ago.

"They're not coming, are they?"

Anne blinked, the spark returning to her eyes, and sighed.

"No, I guess not. I suppose they're not within hearing range."

"Or they know it's us. And they don't want to see us."

"We'll just have to tell them about the video tomorrow."

"Or they don't want to see us." Nike hinted.

"I would love to see their reactions."

"Or maybe we won't, since they're trying to ignore us and all."

Anne's eye twitched.

"I think they really don't want to see us." Nike continued, eyes on the door.

"....Die."

-----

When Envy woke up, it was half past five and he was missing a blonde. Hmm. He stretched his lean body and yawned like a cat, which earned dirty looks from Minimo, who was surprisingly still there.

Envy blinked blearily and turned to said cat.

"Hey, Minimo. You ready to go home?"

He had no idea what made him want to bring the cat home, but he just wanted some company...

And another evil genius brain to help him cook up an awesome fool-proof plan to _destroy_ the chibi wahahahahahaha, currently dubbed affectionately Project Court-and-Abort.

'_I'll make him fall in love with my irresistible charm, then break his heart when he's all over me! That'll show him for making me lik-'_

Envy's eyes went wide and hurriedly severed that thought, crossed it out with whiet-out, then ripped it into several pieces and pushed the remaining pieces into a burning mental furnace.

He stood up distractedly, scooped Minimo into his hands, and left the roof.

-----

Edward picked at his dinner of leek and potato soup and roast chicken, making Alphonse glance at him with worry plain in his eyes.

Currently, the thought running past Alphonse's mind was, '_damn it, I shouldn't have got distracted with thoughts of Wrath just now.'_

"Brother!" he younger blonde finally blurted out, unable to stand the tense atmosphere.

Edward looked up with impassive eyes.

"Yes, Al?"

"Are you sick? Why aren't you eating? Is the cooking horrible? Oh god, it's horrible, isn't it?"

Edward gaped, blinked, and chuckled. "No, your cooking is as wonderful as ever, Al... It's just," Edward sighed, "I sort of have stuff on my mind."

Alphonse's eyes widened. "Oh. It's about Envy, isn't it?"

Edward spat out the small sip of soup he had been drinking.

"You- How did- AL!!" he yelled, frantically wiping the front of his shirt. "You- don't talk about stuff you don't know, Al."

"Ah," Al smirked, which made him look unnervingly evil, "but I _do_ know, brother dear. Envy likes you, you know."

"He does not!"

"Stop floating on the river of denial and embrace your lack of masculinity, brother dear." Al said, injecting as much melodrama into his tone as he could.

Edward spluttered incoherently and finally excused himself from dinner, then rushed to his room and slammed the door- hard.

Alphonse went back to eating his dinner and thinking of Wrath.

-----

Edward woke up as though he hadn't slept the whole night. His head was throbbing and he felt insanely tired. Moaning lightly, he crawled out of bed and splashed his face with freezing cold water in an effort to wake himself up. He ended up falling asleep in the basin.

"EDWARD ELRIC!" Alphonse roared, in all his frilly-pink-apron glory. Well, that was new. Edward jumped awake, eyes snapping open and water droplets flying everywhere.

"Jesus, Al!" he chided his fuming younger brother, the epitome of cuteness with the cheeks puffed out in a bid to make him look bigger (it didn't) and hands on his hips.

"We're going to be late, Nii-san!" cried the younger, waving his hands around and narrowly missing hitting Edward with his spatula.

"Ugh... Okay, okay, I'll be down in ten minutes..." muttered the elder groggily. Edward turned back to brushing his teeth.

Alphonse stayed a little longer, making sure Edward showed no more signs of falling asleep, and then left.

His pancakes were still on the stove, after all.

-----

Edward struggled with his bootlaces for a few more minutes, earning a sigh from Alphonse, then got up and locked the door behind him.

Biting into his pancake which Alphonse had been considerate enough to wrap around some blueberry jam like a tortilla, Edward set off into a brisk walk with Alphonse by his side.

He was happy that he now had to look slightly _up_ to talk to Alphonse; it meant that Alphonse was growing like a healthy boy.

He, on the other hand...

Edward shook his head, his ponytail swinging in the breeze.

Alphonse jogged ahead of him, motioning for him to hurry up, and then turned back to the streets ahead of them.

Edward half-smiled, then broke into a brisk walk.

-----

Envy's bike tyres skidded into the school parking lot with 3 minutes to spare. Without even waiting for the engines to stop fully, Wrath jumped down from the bike with the ease of someone who'd done this plenty of times before. He didn't look back, holding up a hand in thanks, and rushed off into the school building.

Envy huffed, used to his behavior, and let his bike idle into an empty parking space. Twisting the key to kill the engine, he pulled his hair out of the ponytail he wore when biking. He wasn't stupid, he didn't want risking his beautiful piece of machinery for _hair_, even though his hair was quite important to him too. He pulled the key out, the key-chains clinking together.

There was one of a seashell, which Lust got him last year when she went to Bali with Greed. Greed had came back with a crumpled up soda can, which he brought back from the airport, for him. Envy had then promptly attempted to shove the can down Greed's throat.

The one of a palm tree was from Wrath, a memento from a class trip also a year ago. Wrath had thrown it onto his bed upon coming home and bluntly stated that 'it reminded me of you.' Despite Wrath's tough attitude, he really was a sweet brother. Envy smiled to himself. When he wasn't making you want to kill him.

Another was a metallic red key shaped bottle-opener that Pride had gotten him on some random business trip three months ago. Envy had shown his interest in mugging (it was just a silly phase, really!) and Pride had given the key-chain to him after dinner one night. He didn't understand until Pride had showed him the hidden needle filled with knock-out drugs concealed inside. It could be refilled, Pride had told him, beady black eyes looking at him with a little pride. Envy was flattered, thanked him, and promptly told himself to never use it. But then again, one never knows...

The warning bell rung and Envy quickened his footsteps, shoving his dangle of keys and keychains deep into his pocket.

He wanted to see a certain blond-haired chibi...

-----

Saying that Edward was having the worst day of his life would be a huge understatement.

He barely made it into the school before the bell rang. Then when he thought he was safe, Ling had placed a bunch of flowers on his desk and passionately proclaimed his love, waving around a cup of green tea and shoving the bouquet of yellow roses into his face, golden yellow, because it reminded him of his hair, Ling had said. Envy had slammed the door open with a 'CHIBI-CHAN~' on the tip of his tongue until he saw the confessing Asian kid.

Oh, Envy got mad alright. He snatched the roses from Edward's hands and threw them out the window. Then he grabbed Ling by the collar his shirt and dragged him outside 'to have a little chat', but not before giving Edward a small peck on his cheek.

Edward, stunned beyond words, just stared. The rest of the class broke into heated whisperings. Roy got up from his little harem of girls and made his way to the empty seat next to Edward, who was still staring dumbly at the door.

"This is all just a nightmare, just a nightmare, just a nightmare..." Roy heard Edward mutter to himself, rubbing out his eyes tiredly.

Roy turned to Edward, grabbed his shoulders, and slammed their mouths together.

-----

It was a day to remember. There had been many versions of what happened next, but all of them involved Roy getting acquainted with Edward's fist. Then some said Edward ran out of the classroom, some said he jumped out the window, some mentioned him breaking down. Some dramatic attention-seeker said he was kidnapped.

Truthfully, he was. Anne and Nike has slipped in undetected during the uproar, pulled the two apart (Roy was using _too_ much tongue) and got Edward away, but not before using his right fist (the metal one) to try to break Roy's nose. He failed, fortunately.

"LET ME GO, I WANT TO _KILL_ THAT BASTARD-"

"Not a good idea, Ed." Anne managed to breathe out, despite being strangled by the outraged Edward.

"I think Envy will take care of him." Nike added, ducking to avoid the short one's flying fists. Even though Edward hit like a girl, the metal still hurt. A lot.

Edward froze at the mention of Envy's name.

"Envy?"

"Yeah, he's got like, the hots for you." Anne supplied, knowing full well that Edward was on the edge of a mental implosion.

She liked to see people suffer.

Oh, and I never said that, in case she comes after me screaming for my death.

"But what Roy did was unacceptable." Nike muttered unhappily. "He totally ruined our plans."

"Well, yes, he was an unexpected variable in the equation..." mused Anne. "Suddenly showing up and doing tongue... Even Envy knew to hold back."

"I'm cutting his wages." Nike hissed.

"...He works for you?"

"No, but I've always wanted to play the part of Terror Boss."

They ignored the unconscious blond slung over their shoulders and continued towards the principal's office.

-----

"Please don't kill me!" Ling yelled when he felt his back meet the wall with unnecessary force.

Envy snarled. "Who do you think you are to steal what's mine, damn asian kid?"

Ling whimpered. "They'll kill me if I tell, I swear, really!"

"Well, who's 'they'?"

"...THEM. HER."

"Ooh. Yes, that made a lot of sense, but no matter. Important question: Who's scarier, me or her?"

"...Her. You're harmless compared to them."

"Oh really?"

"Envy, I'm so serious my eyes are actually open."

----

Roy massaged his jaw, scowling. Of all the people he'd laid, this one was harder than the hardest... And apparently still a virgin, if that freaked out look was anything to go by. Roy cursed. Lust had laughed in his face when he called her and now Edward rejected his advances. Roy could feel a bruise forming.

Ah shit.

"This isn't Game Over yet," Roy muttered. "Not until I get you."

----

Edward groaned, grabbing his head in pain. For some reason, he had a feeling that opening his eyes would be a bad idea, but no one ever listened to the voice in their head, so he opened his eyes anyway.

He swore he'd never _not_ listen to that voice in his head anymore.

He sort of knew when he saw a green curtain of hair, and a flash of violet, but he was a masochist so of course he had to cause himself more pain.

"Ah shit. Envy." Edward groaned, confirming his suspicions.

They were on the roof again, only this time the positions were reversed- Edward was the one with his head on Envy's lap.

"Ooh, you're awake, chibi-chan!" Envy cooed, lowering his face to grin brightly into Edward's. Edward just muttered darkly and swatted lazily at Envy's green locks.

"Why are we here?" Edward asked, though he had to scrunch up his face and use a tremendous amount of strength to work his jaws.

"Well, I followed those two girls who dumped you in the Principal's office, then sneaked you up here." Envy replied, massaging Edward's tense shoulders. Well, shoulder, seeing as the other one was metal and wouldn't do much good.

"...Dumped? How long was I out?"

"About three minutes."

Edward frowned. "That isn't very dramatic."

Envy chuckled. "Yes. Yes, you're right."

-----

Nike pouted pathetically. "Envy stole him."

Anne nodded. "Yup."

Nike sighed. "I told you we should have installed those lasers."

Anne nodded. "Yup."

Nike moaned. "And now we don't know where they are!"

Anne nodded. "Yup."

Nike glared at Anne. "And are you going to keep saying that?"

Anne nodded. "Yup."

-----

Ling had skipped class and was currently cowering in the men's toilet. He did as he was told, but getting beaten up and letting it slip that he was, er- 'working' for someone wasn't in the contract.

He whimpered. He didn't want to do this, all he wanted was just a normal, less dramatic and less explosive high school life, he didn't really want to be killed by Ran Fan, he didn't want to face Jade and Anne, and most of all he didn't want to face Edward.

Because he knew he didn't agree because he was terrified of the two girls. A small part of him was actually hoping Edward would say yes, and that small part of him was actually wishing they could go on dates together and share memories together and that small part was wondering what it'll feel like to spoon him.

Ling hung his head.

Because he knew that whether he liked it or not, he was undeniably attracted to Edward, and there was nothing he could do about it.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Oh man I'm making this complicated. *bites lips* Now it has become a war. Three guys fighting for the same guy. Oh no, it's like, so... cliched. *gasps in horror* OH NO I'M SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME!! DDD: But LingEd is so cute, I just can't resist... Dx Must... resist... I failed, I'm sorry, guys. But do let me know what you think of the new twist in your reviews!

Ps. ADAM LAMBERT FTW. Sorry, just wanted to say that. ^^;


	12. Thou Shalt Just Embrace It

**A/N:** I AM ALIVE! And also, I'm sorry for the late chapter! Eheheh... I was sort of busy with school.

Also, this chapter is dedicated to **Latios381** who reminded me that no, I haven't updated in a long long long long time. I'm sorry. **A/N end**

0-0-0-0-0-0

When Edward reached home, he was exhausted. In fact, he was so exhausted and tired and completely out of it, he did not care about two very loud and unstealthy girls following him home.

Suffice to say if they ever try to apply for a job as a spy at MI6, their applications would be cruelly rejected without another thought.

"Stop pushing me!" Anne hissed, shoving the black-clad girl.

"I'm not pushing you! You stop touching me!" Nike hissed back, scowling.

"Well, hello, trying to stalk here!"

"Well then maybe you should shut up!"

"You're being noisy as crap, not me!"

"Will the both of you stuff your pie-holes?"

The two girls glared at the lanky teen between them. His face was pulled into an expression of unbelievable irritation, and he was massaging the bridge of his nose with an air of utmost annoyance.

"You... Never mind." Anne pursed her lips and looked away. Nike scoffed.

Instead the three of them focused their attention of the blond ahead of them, dragging his feet slowly. Somehow they didn't think that was a good thing.

* * *

"Nii-saaan!" Alphonse cried the minute he heard the door knob turn.

"Hey Al." Edward smiled tiredly, sagging onto the door frame.

"What took you-are you okay?" Alphonse's tone changed from admonishing to instant concern.

Edward sighed and pushed himself off the door frame and wobbled unsteadily into his room.

Alphonse sighed. He closed the door and went back into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

Then the doorbell rang.

"Coming!" Alphonse yelled, wondering who it could be. He plodded to the door and wrenched it open, only to be met with...

"ENVY!" Alphonse gasped, pointing a finger incredulously at said teen.

Envy mock bowed. "In person," he drawled.

Anne rolled her eyes and pushed him in. "Hey, Ed's little brother. Where's Edo?"

Nike popped her bubble-gum and closed the door with an ominous click.

Alphonse hesitated. "Er- My brother's not feeling so well, maybe you guys should come back next time-"

"Nonsense!" Anne yelled, throwing her arms up. "Of course we know he's not feeling well, that's why we're here!"

"To fight for injustice!" Nike yelled, throwing her arms up like Anne.

Envy facepalmed and breathed out heavily through his nose.

Alphonse considered calling the mental institution.

The entire atmosphere in the room dropped by 23 degrees.

"Er- well-" Alphonse started, until Nike tackled him to the kitchen floor and Anne raided the fridge for ice-cream.

Envy disappeared into Edward's room without anyone noticing.

After all, he was just awesome like that.

* * *

Edward lay flat on his bed, his braid coming loose and sticking out in messy strands. His jacket was off his shoulders, but bunched around his wrists. His bag was thrown at the foot of the bed, which was messily made.

Envy liked the feel. He also liked the fact that the simple scene could make his mind wander into off-limit places.

Then he remembered that he had no right to let his mind wander into off-limit places. He did it anyway.

He sat on the edge of the bed and silently stared off into space.

-break-

Ling paced around anxiously in his room. His half-sister about a thousand times removed sat on his bed, bored out of her mind.

Mei let out another loud yawn. "Ling... When ya donna sit down and man up?" she muttered sleepily.

Ling stopped pacing for a moment, then resumed. Mei was sure the floor had been eaten into about an inch deep. But then again, this wasn't her room, so too bad.

"You know, if you're not going to tell me what's up, I can't help you."

Ling sighed and bit his lip. Then he sunk slowly into the bed, eyes gazing upwards.

"Mei... What am I going to do?"

"Do about what? I'm sort of in the dark here, Ling, if you've forgotten."

"See... When you reach my age... There comes a time where you meet someone-"

"What is this bird-and-the-bee's talk, eh? Just spit it out, Ling. Have you got Ran Fan pregnant?"

Ling paled at the mention of Ran Fan. Boy was she going to cut off his family jewels.

Mei's eyes widened when she saw Ling pale. "Oh... Sweet Buddha, are you serious, Ling? You got Ran Fan pregnant? How could you!"

This time it was Ling's turn to widen his eyes. "What- no! Ew, no! That's just nasty!"

Mei let out a sigh of relief. "Then what's got you all jumpy and stuff?"

"I maybe perhaps possibly there may be a chance that I... like... someone."

Mei raised an unimpressed brow. "Ran Fan? What, we all knew that two years ago. We were waiting for the day you'll come to your senses."

"Ran Fan- two years ago? Really? And all twenty-seven of you?"

"Mmhmm, plus some of your male cousins, even though I don't think they care very much."

Ling slapped himself on the forehead and cursed his large family and the fact that he was the only male his father had. Most family gossip revolved around him. Damnation.

Mei picked at the glittery nail polish on her toe nails.

"So if it's not Ran Fan..." she started slowly, "who is it?"

Ling looked conflicted for a long minute.

"It's just... a boy." he said sadly, then left his room, leaving Mei sitting alone on his bed.

* * *

Edward opened his eyes lethargically, heavy with sleep. The first thing he noticed was that his room was darkening rapidly. Which meant it was evening. Which meant dinner. The second thing he noticed was that his blanket was being unusually warm and stiff. Which meant Al had used too much softener, _again_. (Ironically if you overdose on the softener you get stiff sheets.)

He sat up.

Anne and Nike heard the screaming in the middle of Al's glorious home-cooked dinner. Nike dropped her spoon and briskly walked in the direction of his scream, while Anne shrugged and continued eating. Eating is good. She'd put eating above anything at the moment, including a chance to laugh at Edward.

Besides, she didn't want to face a pissed-off Envy. Normal Envy was fun, but pissed-off Envy made her wanna go murder babies. She tried once, but then she learned that mothers who see their kids in danger tend to become superhuman. It was not an easy job, strangling babies.

The screaming stopped for a while, and then she saw Nike dragging Edward by the collar of his shirt. He was sobbing hysterically. Envy followed, looking pleased.

"Envy had his hands on a very suggestive place." Nike explained at seeing Anne's upturned eyebrow. Alphonse, who had been shocked into silence all this while, started brandishing his spatula at Envy.

Envy rolled his eyes, planted a big, wet kiss on Edward's lips and floated out of the Elric apartment.

Edward dropped onto the floor heavily.

Anne finished off the last of her japanese curry and turned to Alphonse saying, "Got more?"

* * *

"Brother, you _must_ go to school."

"I AM GOING TO GET ASS RAPED, AL! WHY DO YOU NOT CARE THAT I AM GOING TO GET ASS RAPED?"

"I don't think Envy's the sort of person to do that, brother..."

"You don't think- Envy- HE DEFINES THE TYPE- what- complete _rapage_- ENVY!"

"I don't understand, brother. But in the meantime, while you regain your ability to speak coherently, put on some clothes, will you?"

"You- what- _AL_!"

* * *

He will ignore Envy. Ignore. Ignore.

"Hey, Edo!"

Ignore.

"You feeling better?"

Ignore.

"Ooh, doing the whole ignoring thing now, eh?"

...Twitch.

"EDO-KUN! YOUR BED WAS SO SOFT AND YOUR BODY SO WARM! WHEN CAN WE DO IT AGAI-"

KILL.

* * *

Envy touched the top of his head gingerly. Okay, so he conveniently forgot Edward had a metal arm.

The good thing was, now everybody knew the blonde shrimp was his. No one touched his stuff. Even Mustang.

_Especially_ Mustang.

Who was, by the way, _hitting on Edward_.

Envy stood up suddenly, causing him chair to fall back with a loud crash and marched up to the playboy.

"YOU!" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Roy's arm which was curled around Edward's shoulders.

Roy smiled pleasantly. "Yes, me."

Edward tugged uselessly at the hand which gripped his shoulder quite painfully. "Roy, get off me." he grumbled, not at all pleased.

Envy nearly laughed when Roy's face fell dramatically.

"Get your hands off my boyfriend!"

Gasps. Cheh, like they didn't know it was coming. Honestly.

Edward stared, then erupted into a fit of denial. "What in the _world_- ENVY! I AM NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

Roy snickered and tightened his hold, causing Edward to wince. "See, faggot? He says he's not yours."

"I'm no one's! I belong to myself!" Edward was promptly ignored.

Envy roared angrily and leapt onto Roy, who released his hold on Edward to defend himself. Edward slipped quickly out of his seat and ran to Ling for shelter.

"Ling! Oh my god, man, they're crazy!"

Ling nodded solemnly. "Really? What gave you that idea?"

"Haha. Sarcasm doesn't work well with you, Ling."

Ling shrugged. The commotion behind them told them that Envy and Roy were still fighting, so they probably had another half hour of uninterrupted time.

Edward poked Ling. "Hey, you okay, man?"

Ling thought about this question. Honestly, he wasn't really. But if Edward asked...

"Yeah. Just slightly tired, that's all."

Edward grinned. "Okay, man."

* * *

Edward, even though he was sure something was bugging Ling, decided to let it go. Instead, he tried to take control of his situation now. He made a list.

1. Envy is trying to get into my pants.

2. He hates me.

3. Roy is trying to get into my pants.

4. He's a playboy.

5. Roy and Envy hate each other.

6. Envy hates Ling.

7. Envy hates just about everybody, except perhaps Al.

8. Al is going out with Wrath, Envy's kid brother.

9. Ling is acting weird.

10. I should stop writing this list, it's making me depressed.

Edward sighed and crumpled up his list. He tossed it into the trash and did a victory wave when it _did_ get in.

Ling ignored him, because he was sleeping face-down on his textbook.

Edward could still hear Envy and Roy yelling at each other, but he suddenly didn't care anymore. He'll care tomorrow. Today...

Today he should just kick it back.

...and pull himself from the brink of insanity.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Oh wow this sucks SO BAD. D:

I have no idea how to write this anymore. DAMN!

I should be ending it soon, since it's running on for too long already.

Besides, KHR is my current obsession. /is shot

REVIEW, EVEN IF YOU HATED IT! Or if you forgot it, since it's been so long already... :\

Again I'm sorry!


End file.
